Red Stapler is down for some much-needed maintenance. Should be back by Feb. 1
Thank you for your patience.
21 January 2010
17 January 2010
Stop me if I have told you this...
What is it about old people and poop? They're like the parents of toddlers - they just can't resist giving you the Poop Report.
Suzanne wrote a short post that reminded me of this.
I don't want to hear about poop. I'm famous - or maybe infamous - for unfollowing people on twitter who describe their poop, or their kids's poop. I mean, is that shit really necessary?
So when Mom started giving me a daily report of her bowel product, I took it for 2 days and then put an end to it.
"Mom," I said, "You know I love you but that is TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I do not ever want you to tell me what kind of poop you made, how long it took, or how long it has been since the last time you pooped."
She put on her pouty face.
"But it's IMPORTANT to me," she said.
"I know, Mom, it's important to all of us, trust me," I said. "If you have a problem where you need to go to the doctor, I will gladly take you to the doctor, but until then, I don't wanna hear about it."
So now she starts a sentence and then throws up her hands saying in an exaggeratedly exasperated tone, "Oh, that's right, you don't want to HEAR about it."
On the upside, she loves the phrase "too much information" and uses it all the time now. See, you're never too old to learn something new.
Suzanne wrote a short post that reminded me of this.
I don't want to hear about poop. I'm famous - or maybe infamous - for unfollowing people on twitter who describe their poop, or their kids's poop. I mean, is that shit really necessary?
So when Mom started giving me a daily report of her bowel product, I took it for 2 days and then put an end to it.
"Mom," I said, "You know I love you but that is TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I do not ever want you to tell me what kind of poop you made, how long it took, or how long it has been since the last time you pooped."
She put on her pouty face.
"But it's IMPORTANT to me," she said.
"I know, Mom, it's important to all of us, trust me," I said. "If you have a problem where you need to go to the doctor, I will gladly take you to the doctor, but until then, I don't wanna hear about it."
So now she starts a sentence and then throws up her hands saying in an exaggeratedly exasperated tone, "Oh, that's right, you don't want to HEAR about it."
On the upside, she loves the phrase "too much information" and uses it all the time now. See, you're never too old to learn something new.
14 January 2010
Show yourselves!
If you non-commenters would so indulge me, please delurk and tell me a few things:
Who are you?
Do you have a blog?
Why do you read Red Stapler?
Thank you! Even if you don't comment, thanks for reading.
13 January 2010
Two wheeling
Where have I been?
As Laura used to say "Peddling my ass around town."
By which she meant "Riding a bike." Oh, that Laura - what a prankster.
One of my new year's resolutions was to start riding my bike more. It's about time: I bought it two years ago - from an 80-year-old guy who was getting a new, different bike - and it has been sitting in the shed gathering dust ever since.
I was inspired to start riding by two women: Madness Rivera, who loves her bike so much she had it tattooed on her body, and, even though she is a body-dysmorphic daughter of Satan who needs to be pelted with flaming cheese blocks, Tall & Lucky Kristin, who I guess has some good ideas about fitness and hard work and blah blah blah.
Last weekend I took The Sofa Bike to The Bike Depot and they gave it a tune-up, installed my cool bell and adjusted the seat for me.
I rode Sunday and yesterday and today. Here are my rules: I can go as fast or slow as I want. I can stop whenever I want. But I have to go a little farther each day. Just a little.
I've been having fun, even getting *gasp* sweaty. THAT never happens. I haven't gone very far or very fast - Lance Armstrong probably does more mileage before he gets out of bed than I do on a ride, but Lance Armstrong isn't a big fat computer addict with a love of almond croissants, either.
The other day I got laughed at - LAUGHED AT - by a regular cyclist (one with a titanium bike and a Wonder bread colored bike jersey) who passed me on The Sofa Bike and said "Ha. That'll work."
Yes, indeed, Sonny. It will work for me.
As Laura used to say "Peddling my ass around town."
By which she meant "Riding a bike." Oh, that Laura - what a prankster.
One of my new year's resolutions was to start riding my bike more. It's about time: I bought it two years ago - from an 80-year-old guy who was getting a new, different bike - and it has been sitting in the shed gathering dust ever since.
I was inspired to start riding by two women: Madness Rivera, who loves her bike so much she had it tattooed on her body, and, even though she is a body-dysmorphic daughter of Satan who needs to be pelted with flaming cheese blocks, Tall & Lucky Kristin, who I guess has some good ideas about fitness and hard work and blah blah blah.
Last weekend I took The Sofa Bike to The Bike Depot and they gave it a tune-up, installed my cool bell and adjusted the seat for me.
I rode Sunday and yesterday and today. Here are my rules: I can go as fast or slow as I want. I can stop whenever I want. But I have to go a little farther each day. Just a little.
I've been having fun, even getting *gasp* sweaty. THAT never happens. I haven't gone very far or very fast - Lance Armstrong probably does more mileage before he gets out of bed than I do on a ride, but Lance Armstrong isn't a big fat computer addict with a love of almond croissants, either.
The other day I got laughed at - LAUGHED AT - by a regular cyclist (one with a titanium bike and a Wonder bread colored bike jersey) who passed me on The Sofa Bike and said "Ha. That'll work."
Yes, indeed, Sonny. It will work for me.
07 January 2010
Trial period
We got a new aqua aerobics teacher tonight. It was a little rough, but we will break her in eventually.
Her thing is that she yells, a la Jillian Michaels, and she wants us to yell back at her.
"Feeling good?" she yells about every 3 minutes. We are supposed to answer "Feeling good."
"No sweat?" she yelled at least 10 times during class. She got a few feeble "No sweat" replies.
The other thing she loves to say is "Pay attention to your body."
To which I replied "If I had paid attention to my body, I'd be out eating ice cream right now."
Her thing is that she yells, a la Jillian Michaels, and she wants us to yell back at her.
"Feeling good?" she yells about every 3 minutes. We are supposed to answer "Feeling good."
"No sweat?" she yelled at least 10 times during class. She got a few feeble "No sweat" replies.
The other thing she loves to say is "Pay attention to your body."
To which I replied "If I had paid attention to my body, I'd be out eating ice cream right now."
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