I know you've been wondering where I was. Well, I have exciting news! I have been on a super-secret version of "The Bachelor"* for middle-aged people! It's called "The Bachelor: Scent of Desperation" and the Bachelor is a 50-something guy who looks kind of like Captain Kangaroo. You gotta work with what you have.
I know I'm not supposed to talk about what went down until the show airs, but I just can't wait. Hell, I've got a great attorney and contracts are made to be broken!
Last night I went on my first one-on-one date. Because the show is a little more low-budget than the regular Bachelor, we got sent to a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf for a super-romantic decaf nonfat latte. It was romantic because they set 17 tea-lights on the table for extra ambiance, just like on the real show!
We had such a great conversation! I think he might be the ONE!
The Bachelor: You're amazing.
Suebob: Wait til you get to know me.
The Bachelor: You seem like the total package. I just hope you're here for all the right reasons.
Suebob: My reasons include that everyone on Match.com is insane and Craigslist scares me.
The Bachelor: I'm looking for the real deal. I want to marry my best friend.
Suebob: You want to marry Gary, that guy you golf with?
The Bachelor: I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. What do you want?
Suebob: At this point, I'd be happy to find someone who doesn't want to dress up in a squirrel suit and call me "Mommy."
The Bachelor: I'm looking for someone who can communicate.
Suebob: You might want to be careful what you ask for. And take a look at my blogs, Flickr, my twitter-stream and my Facebook page.
The Bachelor: I want a good mother for my children.
Suebob: Your children are college graduates, aren't they?
The Bachelor: I just like the simple things.
Suebob: Like snuggling on the couch while you watch football for 16 hours at a time on your 64 inch TV?
The Bachelor: You're amazing
Suebob: You already said that. Like 28 times. To every woman on the show. And to 4 production assistants.
The Bachelor: I have a lot of love to give.
Suebob: I know. You've been married four times.
The Bachelor: Do you want to hook up now or do we have to wait for the Fantasy Suite that ferret-face Chris Harrison always provides about Week 19?
Suebob: Dude, do you have to ask? I'm over 45 years old, I'm single, and I'm dying to get out of these Spanx. Let's GO!
See? I think he's into me! Those other women don't stand a chance.
*This is parody and is constitutionally protected, thanks to that freak Larry Flynt and the Supreme Court.