Dear Suebob

A new feature in which Suebob dialogues about your pressing etiquette questions:

Questioner: Is it ok if I squat to pee instead of sitting in a public restroom?
Suebob: Butt-related toilet seat disease transmission is actually quite rare, but whatever floats your boat.
Questioner: Is it ok if I put my feet on the seat and squat there?
Suebob: Hell no. What is wrong with you? Were your thigh muscles removed? This is WHY you do squats at the gym. Get your disgusting feet off the seat.
Questioner: That's the way we do it where I am from.
Suebob: Are you from Dumbassville?
Questioner: What if I pee on the seat?
Suebob: Clean it up.
Questioner: Clean it up? Me, clean up pee? That is gross.

Suebob: Not compared to coming in and finding a toilet seat all covered in pee.
Questioner: How am I supposed to clean it up?
Suebob: I don't care. Take a piece of toilet paper, a butt gasket, a wet wipe or what have you and clean it up. It's not calculus, people.
Questioner: Why do I have to clean it up? (emphasis on I)
Suebob: You made the mess.
Questioner: But I am not the kind of person who cleans up pee. I'm special.
Suebob: I know. You are the kind of person whose parents, who were obviously of a non-human species, told you that you didn't have to take any responsibility for anything you did. When you go home to the place under the rock where you crawled out from, tell them they did a great job, OK?

Not so wordless Wednesday

Sue n ringo
Originally uploaded by suebobdavis

I was ruing the fact that I hadn't written a post in forever, then realized that it was Wordless Wednesday and I could just post a photo. So now is your chance to see a large, sweaty woman with a sore butt and a mule!

This is Ringo, the mule CC talked me into riding at Yosemite. Did you know mules have surprisingly bony backs? Or maybe I am just...ahem...sensitive.

I'm just saying that there were some times during the ride that I had to do a little Lamaze breathing, and I have never been through a Lamaze class. Thank God for "A Baby Story."

Company Policy

At my favorite burrito stand, there are 3 choices for vegetarian burritos on the menu:
Vegetarian $3.25
Vegetarian with avocado or sour cream $3.50
Vegetarian with avocado and sour cream $4.00

I always get a vegetarian with avocado, no sour cream, minus lettuce. Who wants hot lettuce mixed with beans and rice? Gack. Not me.

You'd think that would be somewhere around $3.75, California being a 7.something percent tax state.

Wrong. My burrito comes out to $4.62.

"Um, why it is $4.62 when a vegetarian burrito with avocado is $3.50 on the menu?"

"Avocado is 75 cents extra."

"But it says on the menu, vegetarian with avocado..."

"Look," she points out. "Under sides, it says, 'Avocado, 75 cents."

"Yes, but the menu SAYS vegetarian with avocado is $3.50."

"But avocado is 75 cents extra."

I stood back. I could see that my line of reasoning was going nowhere. It was time to try a different tack.

"Ok, so if I order a vegetarian burrito with avocado WITHOUT avocado, what do I get?"

"A vegetarian burrito with guacamole."

She said this as if it were the most obvious freaking thing in the whole world. Like, duh, you dumbass customer lady.

"So a vegetarian burrito with avocado WITHOUT avocado is what I want, for $3.50."

"Okay!" she agreed.

Next week I am going to try ordering a vegetarian burrito with sour cream WITHOUT sour cream. Any bets on what I will get?