Are you ready for some baseball?

I am off to Phoenix for baseball spring training with a bunch of other loons. We sit in the sun, watch some ball, and eat food that is either very very bad or very very good depending on who you ask.

We are hoping to see my good-looking and talented cousin Doug pitch for the Diamondbacks on Saturday. I am a bit concerned because every time I show up for one of his games he gets shelled. I know, I know - I am the center of the universe and everything is my fault.

Don't worry about the house. I have asked one of my Hells Angels neighbors and his pit bull, Molly, to keep an eye on the place. Touch anything and Molly will shred you, beginning with your nearest body part to her nose and ending with Everything Else. Ah, I love my 'hood.

Now I just have to remember to pack everything I need and to unpack my weapons, so we don't have a repeat of last year's airport incident where the TSA took apart my whole carry-on bag - including many, many tiny bottles of Jack Daniels and about 1000 tampons - to try and find the Swiss Army knife I had forgotten in a compartment.

Have a great weekend. I will miss you.

I got nothin'

Help a sister out. Hit me with you best link du jour. Or favorite site. Or something. I need entertainment!

The Red Carpet Treatment

Congrats to Hollywood's hottest couple The Queen of Spain and The Kaiser, who now have a Best Visual Effects Oscar for the Kaiser's resume. Well played, kids. Now go have some hot monkey sex to celebrate (like you need ME to tell you to do that).

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Tonight's greatest pleasure: a spontaneous dance jam at the cheap gas station. This cuuuuute couple of lovers were groping each other - in a sweet way - and laughing. "Magic Carpet Ride" came on her car stereo and she cranked it up.

You don't know what we may find
So come along with me little girl on a magic carpet ride.

Pretty soon everyone at the station was bopping their heads and dancing in place as they pumped gas. It culminated with the girl crawling on the hood of her car and presenting her booty for a simulated spanking from her boyfriend with the squeegee.

Who needs to go out for entertainment when you live in a neighborhood like this?

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My dear little Linkateria blog made Dooce's Daily Links section. Yowza. I thought my stat counter was broken. Thanks, Heather.