I was walking the dog down the Avenue, the nearest big street by my house, after work, in the dark.
This guy yelled something about "dog" to me and I made the mistake of thinking it was the same guy I had had an inane conversation about dogs with a few nights before, so I slowed up. Wrong.
This dog guy was extremely drunk and weaving.
"I just been at the Bikini Bar drinking and looking at women..." he said.
"Yes, I can tell - your face is all covered with glitter," I said helpfully.
I tried to sidestep him but he was just drunk enough to completely block my path and fall into step with me.
"Are you married?" he asked.
"Yes!" I chirped, lying my ass off.
"Happily?" he asked, weaving and slurring, yet hopeful.
"AB-solutely," I grinned, jamming my left hand in my pocket, hoping he hadn't noticed the lack of diamond thereupon.
"I never been married," he said. "I'm a virgin."
"I kind of doubt that, considering the glitter and all," I said.
"I can't remember where I parked my car," he said. "I been there all afternoon."
"Well, sir," I said. "I think under the circumstances, you might want to call a taxi. You don't want to get a DUI."
"Hell no," he said. "I already got SEVEN of those."
I cut off down a side street, trying to get away as fast as possible.
"Hey," he said. "You're cute!"
Ah, my little glitter man. You really know how to talk to a lady.