03 December 2006

Call me "Mom"

That's it. I am done. I am so over low-rise jeans that you can slap some rib-huggers on me and call me "Momma." I won't mind, I swear.

Evidence Item #1: The other day when I was trying to put air in my tires with non-working air hoses, one of the chief things irritating me, beyond having to drive around in a death-on-4-wheels automobile, was the fact that I knew my ass was hanging out of my jeans as I squatted beside my car.

Here's the scene: I drop two quarters in the machine, which is supposed to give me three minutes of air. I hustle around the car connecting the hose to the tires and waiting for the air compressor to kick on as I feel a cold breeze where there should not be a breeze. I become aware that my booty is bulging out the top of my jeans for all to see. But damn it, I am risking life and limb by driving on underinflated tires! So I continue to squat and swear, praying that no one I know is driving by to see my special show as I try to get up to 29 PSI.

Evidence Item #2: I have freakishly short legs. Though I am 5 foot 8, I have a 28 inch inseam. That is not a typo. 28 inch. 2 legal-sized sheets, taped together, that equals how long my legs are. I do not need low-cut jeans to help draw attention to this. Good lord, when will this suffering end?

Evidence Item #3: I was picking up my dry cleaning at the strip mall the other day. A little girl, maybe 4 years old, was playing on the floor at the cell phone store next door with her cute little fashionable jeans on. Her back was to the window, and her little 4-year-old buttcrack was clearly visible to the whole world.

People! Stop this madness! Do I need to remind anyone that there are really good reasons that your 4-year-old should not be dressed like a tiny stripper? I mean, yuk. Give the little girl some pants she can bend over in without looking like a plumber, please.

Evidence Item #4: I am going to have to pussyfoot around this one, lest anyone recognize themselves...I was at a group function. A certain lovely young friend was there. She happens to be a bit overweight. She leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms above her head. Normally, this would not be a problem, but her very low-rise jeans revealed waaay too much flesh squeezed above the top seam and below her now-hiked-up shirt. It was, to put it mildly, off-putting.

Bring on the mom jeans. I have one pair and they have become my best friends. I don't care if I look like Urkel. As long as my rear end stays out of the breeze and well out of sight, I am happy.

Next week's subject: why pantyhose with sandals rock.


Anonymous said...

I'm with ya, Suebob. I think that peeking at the peak of a butt crack is as sexy on a sexy young thang as it is on a plumber.

Butts can be beautiful, but the crack is comical. Then when young women wear underwear way up there when their jeans are way down there, well, it looks like they've been wedgied...and they're proud of it.

Anonymous said...

28" inseam for a 5'8" woman? I will never complain about being on the border between petite/not-petite again.

I'm high-waisted as it is, so low-rise jeans look ridiculous on me. I do okay with the "just below waist" jeans, as those hit me where low rise would hit normal people.

And the little punkin with her plumber's crack? It's inevitable. I'm constantly reminding Tacy to pull up her drawers. Until they get hips, they'll be hiking up their pants.

And then they'll lose their butts like we have, and they'll go back to hiking up their pants.

Sigh. You twenty-somethings - enjoy yourselves.

Anonymous said...

You're 5' 8" only if you count your Marge Simpson-esque hair.

[My verification word tonight is "qpdppk." Isn't that where Kennedy had his little boo-boo?]

tracey clark said...

Sweet. I like where you're headed with this whole fashion thing. I think you might be onto something!

super des said...

I am also against low rise jeans. I havea a pair (I bought at a thrift store - so I didn't know!) that are so low rise I feel like the world sees wayyyy too much of my ass, especially when sitting. I have to wear a very long shirt to feel appropriate.

Anonymous said...

As your twin, I respectfully disagree As I recall one of my own best days happened when I was standing on a ladder with my arms up, head in the hanging foliage of the plants I was tending, I turned to find the restaurant owner transfixed by the vision of my butt at his eye level, and he was very favorable about it.
That is why Taj sings about "heart shaped booties" being back in style. Remember that!

SUEB0B said...

Mr Stapler - if Michael Jordan is 6 foot 9, I am certainly 5 foot 8.

Anonymous said...

I refuse to allow this.

Find a good in-between. Like just below the belly button.

We will go shopping.

you know. when we're in the same neck o' the woods.

Carolie said...

AMEN, sister! Honestly, unless a woman is reed-thin (which is not in itself always attractive), there is almost ALWAYS a muffin-top on the sides or at the back of low-rise jeans. They make hips look wider and butts look flatter. I see far too many women with "razor rash" on the midriff skin exposed by their too-low pants and too-high shirt hems. I DO NOT "GET" low-rise jeans!

Oh man. When did I suddenly turn old and cranky?

Lynnea said...

I think we can sufficiently find a happy medium between butt in the wind and elastic waist control top granny jeans. Don't you?

Also, when are fashion designers going to stop making clothes for little wisps of women that only exist on their runways? How bout us real gals?

meno said...

I took my daughter to buy some jeans a while ago. She came out in a pair that she kind of liked butt they looked pretty low to me. I asked her to sit down in them and make sure she was still happy with them. She sat, got this funny look on her face and ran back into the dressing room to take them off.
Now we always do the sit test with any jeans.
I support your armpit snugglers!

Suzanne said...

Usually I am 100% behind (heh heh) you on the issues, but as a person with almost no torso, I must defend the low rise jeans. I am not at all reed thin (as photo evidence will soon illustrate over at CUSS in my first annual visual protest against the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, to be posted tomorrow), but the fit works nicely for me. It took me years to get into them and lots of cajoling from more stylish friends, but once I saw how they worked on me, I became a life convert. The crack issue is a bummer, but I try and deal with it by wearing long shirts or tying coats or sweaters around my waist. (I usually need it anyway, as I get cold easily.)

On 4 years old? Bad. Always very bad. Super super low? Also bad, even on people with short torsoes. But a nice low rise or even mid-rise saves my day.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

I will never, never ever, switch over to mom jeans. However, I'm really sick of my crack playing peek-a-boo with strangers. There has to be a happy medium, somewhere between barely legal and still-hanging-on-to-sexy.

ByJane said...

Guys, guys, guys--there is an alternative. They're actually called Not Your Daughter's Jeans and they are sold at Nordstroms.

Anonymous said...

A 28" inseam? Are you sure? Is that possible? When I met you at BlogHer, I never said to myself: "That woman! Her legs are so short!"

In fact, I thought you were tall. I mean, you are tall, but I never noticed that your legs weren't part of that tallness.

What was my point?

Oh, yes. My butt crack suffers, too.

Anonymous said...

I hate Mom jeans too. I don't like the feel of the waistband up around my gut. So I'm forced to find "just below the waistline" jeans or "slightly low rise" jeans or "Only a half-moon over Miami" jeans.

Anonymous said...

I don't like them either and I'm a guy..

Anonymous said...

Slutty kids really get under my skin. Why oh why do parents do this? WHY?

Christina said...

I couldn't agree more. I hate low-cut jeans. Most of my underwear comes up higher than those jeans. I just don't like the feeling of having the top of my butt hanging out in the air.

I've got a short inseam, too, plus I'm long waisted, so low-cut jeans never fit right.

I'm all for the at-the-belly-button jeans. Bring 'em on.

Anonymous said...

I have to tell you. Wearing maternity jeans that come up a few inches over the bellybutton, with a stretchy waistband is the best thing ever.

It IS a little weird to not wear pants that zip and button, but it's a small price to pay :o)

Kate said...

Just reading your blog for the 1st time, and what a funny post! I regret that I cannot condone regressing to a late 80s fashion of waist hugging jeans, although I can surely commiserate with the crack of your ass catching a breeze. I'm a little sick of bending over to pick up my kids and worrying about flashing the neighborhood. I'm pretty low waisted as it is, but I can still totally relate to what you mean!

Anonymous said...

I am a simple lady. I like to make sure that everything is covered and hidden away somewhere. I was wearing Mom pants to keg parties in college. I was not about to pretend to be something I am not!

As the mommy of a very fast growing 2 year old girl... why can't they make mom jeans for little girls instead of all this pre-stripper garb? As Chris Rock stated so very well... the minute your daughter is born. You have one job and one job only... to keep her off the pole.

Carolie said...

It's cracking me up (no pun intended) to read all these "oh, I will NEVER wear waist-high 'granny' jeans!!"

I am old enough to remember "hip huggers" the first time around, and I remember when all the twenty-somethings were saying "oh, God, I will NEVER EVER wear those fugly hip-broadening low-rise pants! EWWW can you IMAGINE being such a hippie??"

Fashion changes, thank God!

Anonymous said...

Okay, let's start by defining mom jeans. They are the jeans that reach to your pits. They also have tapered legs, making otherwise very nice, shapely asses look like the biggest thing on a woman's body. They are a sign that a woman has given up.

Please don't give up. I beg you. SAY NO TO MOM JEANS!

Alternatives: Medium rise jeans. They don't sag to your butt crack when you bend over. They don't quite cover the belly button, but they don't leave you open for all to see. In short, they are not Mom jeans and they are not Hooker Hips jeans.

As long as you make sure the legs don't taper to the ankle, I don't think they can be classified as Mom jeans.

But please, for the love of stylish moms who care everywhere, SAY NO TO MOM JEANS!

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