I have been mostly avoiding writing about my grief over my sister's death.
It is just generally too tedious for public consumption, isn't it? I mean, the world wants you to Move On and Be Better, but that doesn't always happen on a neat little timeline.
Today my mom was saying that she hoped my brother-in-law would find a nice lady to spend his life with.
On the surface, I could agree. He certainly deserves all the love and fine companionship in the world.
But the other part of me was screaming inside "GOD YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, DO YOU? IF YOU THINK MY SISTER CAN BE GOTTEN OVER IN 3 MONTHS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHE WAS."
And I'm thinking this about my own mom, my sister's mom. I know she is trying to be nice, to think of my brother-in-law.
But the hole in my universe is so much bigger than that. It isn't something that can be ignored or stepped over. It is shocking to me that my mom doesn't see it, doesn't feel it the same way I do.
Of course she is in her 80s and feels ready to die herself (she has told me so), so her perspective is different.
And I think my sister was probably ready to die, but that doesn't mean I was ready for her to.
(Weird about this post: it labeled ITSELF "God." I swear I had nothing to do with that. I went back and erased it because it was freaking me out.)