I know you've been wondering where I was. Well, I have exciting news! I have been on a super-secret version of "The Bachelor"* for middle-aged people! It's called "The Bachelor: Scent of Desperation" and the Bachelor is a 50-something guy who looks kind of like Captain Kangaroo. You gotta work with what you have.
I know I'm not supposed to talk about what went down until the show airs, but I just can't wait. Hell, I've got a great attorney and contracts are made to be broken!
Last night I went on my first one-on-one date. Because the show is a little more low-budget than the regular Bachelor, we got sent to a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf for a super-romantic decaf nonfat latte. It was romantic because they set 17 tea-lights on the table for extra ambiance, just like on the real show!
We had such a great conversation! I think he might be the ONE!
The Bachelor: You're amazing.
Suebob: Wait til you get to know me.
The Bachelor: You seem like the total package. I just hope you're here for all the right reasons.
Suebob: My reasons include that everyone on Match.com is insane and Craigslist scares me.
The Bachelor: I'm looking for the real deal. I want to marry my best friend.
Suebob: You want to marry Gary, that guy you golf with?
The Bachelor: I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. What do you want?
Suebob: At this point, I'd be happy to find someone who doesn't want to dress up in a squirrel suit and call me "Mommy."
The Bachelor: I'm looking for someone who can communicate.
Suebob: You might want to be careful what you ask for. And take a look at my blogs, Flickr, my twitter-stream and my Facebook page.
The Bachelor: I want a good mother for my children.
Suebob: Your children are college graduates, aren't they?
The Bachelor: I just like the simple things.
Suebob: Like snuggling on the couch while you watch football for 16 hours at a time on your 64 inch TV?
The Bachelor: You're amazing
Suebob: You already said that. Like 28 times. To every woman on the show. And to 4 production assistants.
The Bachelor: I have a lot of love to give.
Suebob: I know. You've been married four times.
The Bachelor: Do you want to hook up now or do we have to wait for the Fantasy Suite that ferret-face Chris Harrison always provides about Week 19?
Suebob: Dude, do you have to ask? I'm over 45 years old, I'm single, and I'm dying to get out of these Spanx. Let's GO!
See? I think he's into me! Those other women don't stand a chance.
*This is parody and is constitutionally protected, thanks to that freak Larry Flynt and the Supreme Court.
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24 comments:
hhahahaha. This is by far the BEST version of the show. I seriously would take you as my own, you amazing woman, you.
God this is classic Suebob. :)
No! He's mine!
While I totally think your version is superior, I am addicted to the televised version. Please let us know how it all works out for your heroine, though. Does she get the rose???
Hahaha see, I would watch this. The one on tv blows. Great post!
I thought you weren't here to make friends?
I know it's hard for you to open up...
I just signed up for Match.com, are you trying to terrify me?!?!?
Now THAT show, I would watch.
This is funny stuff. LOL
That some funny stuff right there.
You slay me.
I would actually watch the show if there were more people like you on it.
At least he didn't ask you what your sign was....
Now that is a good show!
lol, what a conversation u had there!! anyway, good luck to u!! :) if that's the real one, and if i were u, i'd stick to blogging... :p keep it up!! cheers...
totally. hilarious. love it.
I think you're kidding yourself. The Bachelor and I had a one-on-one date (we walked the mall and then shared a Jamba Juice at the bus stop), and we really had a connection. One drink, two straws! It was the most romantic date I've ever been on.
Hi, I'm here through (W)rite-Of-Passage. And I attempted a dialog too :)
You are so funny. I understand the way to a man's heart is through his funny bones.
I enjoyed it. Thank you.
HA! You're amazing. ;)
LOVE it! SO funny - my husband and I love to watch The Bachelor (don't tell) so this just cracked me up. Loved the Captain Kangaroo reference, too!
Visiting from Write of Passage - great to read your dialogue!
Suebob's back and she's better than before
Hey na, hey na
Suebob's back!
Oh, how I missed you!
I think your story is a fake - not one time did either of you mention about this being "a journey"!!
Good day, sun shines!
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Very funny and great use of dialogue! Love all the great bloggers I am meeting at Write of Passage!
does that mean our love is dead?
*stamps all over Suebob's roses*
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