One good excuse is all I need

I have to go do that stupid health fair thing again tomorrow. Four more hours of listening to the same stupid new age music.

This from a woman who walked out of a George Winston concert, ready to commit murder, feeling completely justified because of the crimes against music that man committed.

Don't make me go!! Can you think of an excuse?

Jake, of the Blues Brothers: I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locust's. It wasn't my fault!! I swear to God!!

I could have sworn he said "The bridge was up." It is funny how we imagine these things. Laura??

You know what is ironic?

No, not rain on your wedding day. That's not ironic, it is unfortunate.

Ironic is when you get roped into helping at a fitness event at work and you spend three hours handing out flyers on stress relief and end up all stressed because you have had to listen to the same three minutes of crappy new-age-stress-release music over and over and over.

THAT is irony, Alanis.

And then not so ironic but still sucky is when you go to lunch and order a taco salad, no steak, just throw some rice and beans in there instead. So the woman charges you for a taco salad AND a side of rice and a side of beans so suddenly you have a $9 taco salad. WTF? I'm getting penalized for a LACK OF STEAK?

And then the meatless taco salad contains random chunks of meat. But I'm not going to say anything - I'm cool that way, not like Vic's vegetarian friend who stood up in a cafe, threw his food down in a rice-and-bean splatter explosion and yelled "OH FUCKING DOGSHIT" when he got a sliver of chicken in his veg burrito.

But the chunk of wood! Wow, that was a new one on me. And I LIKE fiber. My teeth were so surprised! Because wood? Not really a normal ingredient in a taco salad where I am from.

I took my salad back to the overcharging beetch at the counter and said "I'm done. I'm out." She reluctantly gave me a refund (I had to show her the wood - "Look, WOOD") - not for the drink, of course, just the salad - beetch - and I went to Olas where I got some nice tacos and the opportunity to watch surf videos.

But somehow my day still wasn't ruined. Because you know when you have had PMS? And then it lifts? Isn't it like the sun coming out of the clouds on a really gloomy day? And everything is all bright and shiny and happy by comparison. And you just start singing "I feel good!" even at the gas station.

p.s. Thanks to Amalah for letting me borrow some of her question marks.

Thank goodness for waterproof mascara

David Ault spoke at my church today. I feel fortunate to have been able to hear him talk, because he is one of those people with a gift for reminding you that life can be full of hope and purpose and fun. Yeah, I'm usually more cynical than that, which is why I need to be reminded more than other people.

He also sang this song that always makes me cry.

How, indeed?

What, you say?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

After years and years of using my grandparents' classic old Oster blender, circa 1957 (beehive shaped, brown), I broke the jar and ordered the new jar from eBay but had since thrown away the blade part and the new jar didn't come with the blade part and finally I just decided to give up and buy a whole new one.

After half an hour of deliberation at Target, I bought a new Osterizer, same as the old Osterizer. Except even more old school, since the Grands' had had a rheostat to control the blade speed and this one is so retro it just has an on-off toggle switch.

Merely 2 weeks after bringing it home, I dragged it out of the box to whip up a batch of Minty Lime Coolers.

The noise the thing made defies description. Your noisiest hair dryer does not begin to approach the volume. A leaf blower? Maybe closer. A snow blower? Dunno, I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA hahahaha.

Jet engine before takeoff? Yes, exactly. Exactly. The dog bolted in fear. I almost wet myself. Again.

Back to Target. Any suggestions?

Et tu, Friday?

Another Friday night where I have arrived home feeling like I just want to hug my knees and sob for a while.

Maybe a nice Tanqueray and tonic and a hot shower will make it all better.