Are you ready for some baseball?

I am off to Phoenix for baseball spring training with a bunch of other loons. We sit in the sun, watch some ball, and eat food that is either very very bad or very very good depending on who you ask.

We are hoping to see my good-looking and talented cousin Doug pitch for the Diamondbacks on Saturday. I am a bit concerned because every time I show up for one of his games he gets shelled. I know, I know - I am the center of the universe and everything is my fault.

Don't worry about the house. I have asked one of my Hells Angels neighbors and his pit bull, Molly, to keep an eye on the place. Touch anything and Molly will shred you, beginning with your nearest body part to her nose and ending with Everything Else. Ah, I love my 'hood.

Now I just have to remember to pack everything I need and to unpack my weapons, so we don't have a repeat of last year's airport incident where the TSA took apart my whole carry-on bag - including many, many tiny bottles of Jack Daniels and about 1000 tampons - to try and find the Swiss Army knife I had forgotten in a compartment.

Have a great weekend. I will miss you.

I got nothin'

Help a sister out. Hit me with you best link du jour. Or favorite site. Or something. I need entertainment!

The Red Carpet Treatment

Congrats to Hollywood's hottest couple The Queen of Spain and The Kaiser, who now have a Best Visual Effects Oscar for the Kaiser's resume. Well played, kids. Now go have some hot monkey sex to celebrate (like you need ME to tell you to do that).

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Tonight's greatest pleasure: a spontaneous dance jam at the cheap gas station. This cuuuuute couple of lovers were groping each other - in a sweet way - and laughing. "Magic Carpet Ride" came on her car stereo and she cranked it up.

You don't know what we may find
So come along with me little girl on a magic carpet ride.

Pretty soon everyone at the station was bopping their heads and dancing in place as they pumped gas. It culminated with the girl crawling on the hood of her car and presenting her booty for a simulated spanking from her boyfriend with the squeegee.

Who needs to go out for entertainment when you live in a neighborhood like this?

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My dear little Linkateria blog made Dooce's Daily Links section. Yowza. I thought my stat counter was broken. Thanks, Heather.

Attn David Geffen...

...and anyone else who may be trying to call.

I have zero cell phone reception at home right now. Zero. So if you are trying to reach me, leave a message and when I go out I will retrieve them. Or email me at the snackishblogATyahoo address and I will obsessively check my email every 15 minutes (like I don't anyway).

And yes, Mr. Geffen, I think we can deal.

Updated: So. I decided to take Miss Goldie out for a walk and search for cell reception at the same time. Put on my ugly ass yoga pants and ugly ass sweatshirt (a hand me down from my 80-year-old mom - THAT's how attractive it is) to go to the beach.

Drive. No reception. Keep driving. No reception. 2 miles, 3 miles, 5 miles. No freaking reception. We are at about 5 hours with no cell reception. Something is seriously wrong.

So I had to go to the cell phone store in my ugly ass dog-walking clothes to face smirking 20-year-old boys in polo shirts. They took my phone and rolled their eyes and went in the back room to no doubt talk about me. Look, I don't mind being old and hideous - I'm USED to that. Just don't make me feel crazy, too.

Soon enough, my young friends performed some kind of cell phone "master reset" magic, and I got my phone service back, minus my dignity.

Geffen hadn't called though. Hm. Must be busy getting ready for the Oscars.

On my high horse: a sermon

Why does the idea of karma or "the law of attraction" keep coming back again and again, like a bad penny?

Just because you are good doesn't guarantee that good things will happen to you. In fact, some of the best people on earth (Jesus, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu, Aung San Suu Kyi) have been treated the worst.

If we want to be happy, we do good things because they are the right thing to do, because we want to do our part to make this world a better place. Then we let go of any expectations.

Imagining good things for yourself is fine. Clarifying your goals and working toward them is great. Expecting that you can order stuff from the universe like a catalog - like one guy in "The Secret" says - is one of the stupider things I have ever heard.

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to jerks?

Because here is the Secret Law of Life, my friends: stuff happens. Then some other stuff happens. Good stuff, bad stuff. No guarantees.

All we can do is hedge our bets by using the skills and knowledge we have been given to keep ourselves and our loved ones as safe as possible.

The only thing we can really ever control is how we look at what falls our way. I hope your outlook is good today, no matter what happens.