In many cases, you only need to know one sentence to make people think you know what you are talking about. Why take the time to be a real expert, when being a fake expert is so much easier and shuts people up right away?
Wine
"It dies on the middle palate."
This is genius because no one knows what the hell it means. Most people can't find their middle palate and wouldn't know if a dead gopher was resting there. I have made wine people fall completely silent with this when I have managed to pronounce it with sufficient gravitas. Suddenly, I am The Wine Expert. Little do they know that I usually drink $1.99 choices from Fresh & Easy.
Basketball
"They've gotta get out there and bang the boards."
I think this means they need to get more rebounds. But it is enough to make any basketball fan agree with you and think you know what you are talking about.
Typography
"Claude Garamond would be rolling in his grave/laughing right now/hiring this person."
Depending on whether the typeface is ugly, silly or gorgeous, you can't go wrong by invoking Garamond. We are still using his fonts 500 years later - he must have done something right.
28 May 2010
Friday Crankies
At the checkout stand, I wonder
- Does anyone actually believe that you can lose 42 pounds in 2 weeks (without surgery)?
- Why do magazine articles have to give you an odd number of hints? "7 Ways to Better Blowjobs" "Nine Shortcuts to a Cleaner Baby" etc.
- Why do women's magazines so often feature a cover with a 12,000 calorie dessert AND a diet plan?
- WHY NO RED TIC-TACS?
- Does the fact that I like Tic-Tacs make me 78 years old?
- Is there some kind of Kardashian of the Week club? I can't keep all these skanks straight!
- There's nothing quite as cheering as Stars Without Makeup.
24 May 2010
Quiz
What do you get when you combine an almost-deaf greyhound mutt with a love for exploring, a blind old man with a tendency to leave the garage door open, and an old lady who can't walk?
An old lady speeding down the street in her nightgown on an electric wheelchair, screaming "GOLDIE" at the top of her lungs.
Ah, well, it makes for a lively day around Casa de los Locos.
An old lady speeding down the street in her nightgown on an electric wheelchair, screaming "GOLDIE" at the top of her lungs.
Ah, well, it makes for a lively day around Casa de los Locos.
22 May 2010
Valuable
I own one of the most valuable material possessions on earth.
It is small. It weighs maybe an ounce or two. It isn't a work of art or a thing of beauty.
It isn't easily sold or traded. It can't be worn and no one would really want to show it off.
Yet people have given their lives to get it. They have left their homes, their families, risked everything, traveled thousands of miles with no guarantee of success - some on foot or in leaky boats or smuggled like contraband.
They wait years and try again and again just to obtain this thing that was sent to me in an envelope one day. If I lose it, I can replace it without much trouble.
By virtue of my birth, I have this priceless possession. It is a United States passport.
And yes, I am thankful, not just because it gives me the right to travel. It gives me the right to travel and come home. I don't always agree with everything my government does, but there are so many people who want to be U.S. citizens that I have to remember what a gift it is to be here.
Of course the thing that makes this country great isn't the government, but the people. Every time we express our crazy American optimism and openness, every time we use or entrepreneurial spirit, when we uphold human rights, when we act ethically instead of taking bribes and engaging in nepotism - we make this place what it should be, the kind of country people still want to come to for a better life. I want to live in a way that help make this a country worth dreaming of.
It is small. It weighs maybe an ounce or two. It isn't a work of art or a thing of beauty.
It isn't easily sold or traded. It can't be worn and no one would really want to show it off.
Yet people have given their lives to get it. They have left their homes, their families, risked everything, traveled thousands of miles with no guarantee of success - some on foot or in leaky boats or smuggled like contraband.
They wait years and try again and again just to obtain this thing that was sent to me in an envelope one day. If I lose it, I can replace it without much trouble.
By virtue of my birth, I have this priceless possession. It is a United States passport.
And yes, I am thankful, not just because it gives me the right to travel. It gives me the right to travel and come home. I don't always agree with everything my government does, but there are so many people who want to be U.S. citizens that I have to remember what a gift it is to be here.
Of course the thing that makes this country great isn't the government, but the people. Every time we express our crazy American optimism and openness, every time we use or entrepreneurial spirit, when we uphold human rights, when we act ethically instead of taking bribes and engaging in nepotism - we make this place what it should be, the kind of country people still want to come to for a better life. I want to live in a way that help make this a country worth dreaming of.
My mind, it is blown
I'm about halfway though Geneen Roth's "Women Food and God."
I don't think it is hyperbole to say that it is the most amazing book about food and diet and body image I have ever read.
It's not about religion or dieting. It's about our need to fix ourselves, about not living fully, and about emptiness and what it takes to fill us up.
I only got it yesterday and I have taken to reading it with my highlighter in my hand.
How about this: "Fixing ourselves is not the same thing as being ourselves." Yowza.
Since I started reading the book, I have already eaten three meals sitting down at the table with a tablecloth and flowers. I paid attention to what I was eating and how I felt.
It was hard work, too. As a compulsive overeater, I tend to eat while I am doing anything else - reading, watching TV, walking around. It felt odd, but good, to concentrate on the food and on my body.
The subtitle of the book is "An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything," and I think that it absolutely true. I'm looking forward to seeing what is ahead.
I don't think it is hyperbole to say that it is the most amazing book about food and diet and body image I have ever read.
It's not about religion or dieting. It's about our need to fix ourselves, about not living fully, and about emptiness and what it takes to fill us up.
I only got it yesterday and I have taken to reading it with my highlighter in my hand.
How about this: "Fixing ourselves is not the same thing as being ourselves." Yowza.
Since I started reading the book, I have already eaten three meals sitting down at the table with a tablecloth and flowers. I paid attention to what I was eating and how I felt.
It was hard work, too. As a compulsive overeater, I tend to eat while I am doing anything else - reading, watching TV, walking around. It felt odd, but good, to concentrate on the food and on my body.
The subtitle of the book is "An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything," and I think that it absolutely true. I'm looking forward to seeing what is ahead.
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