29 March 2008

Oh, spam me, please, I LOVE it

Remember the old "friend" who only contacts me when he wants something?

I hadn't heard from him since he wanted me to help him do PR for a friend who was opening a business, but hooray, I just got an email titled "Your Water."

I thought it might be something political - a local water conservation measure or something, so I opened it and found:
As you may know, my wife, "Mary" (name changed to protect the guilty) is recovering from breast cancer,
and after much due diligence, we've discovered a simple way to give
her the best odds of never getting sick again.

Please share this with anyone who could use the info-


Warmest regards,

Name of Loser Friend

At first I was furious. How dare he use his wife's breast cancer to shill for his latest crappy multi-level marketing scheme?

But then I calmed down and decided to do what I do best: ignore the email and mock him mercilessly on the Internet. I feel better now.

Edited to add: I decided to do something about it. I figured our friendship was over anyway, but I wanted him to know how appalled I was. I emailed him -
Dear [Loser Friend],

I think it is pretty disturbing that you use your wife's breast cancer as an
excuse to shill for water purification systems.

I always loved you, thought you were such a funny, insightful human, but it
seems like the only time you ever contact me is when you want something from
me. That hurts.

I forgot what it was that you sent to me, and I wrote back saying "Let's
make dinner plans" and I didn't hear one word from you, and that hurt, too.

I just wanted to let you know how I feel.

Take care, and I hope [Wife Name] is in good health.


He wrote back a couple hours later:
Sorry you were disturbed. We've been pretty disturbed as well.
The note was meant to turn a few of our friends on to something
new that we'd never even heard about before.
I'll make sure not to disturb you in the future.


I thought it was interesting that he didn't defend his practice of only contacting me when he needed something. But there you go. Thus endeth 25 years.


Karen Bodkin said...

Wow. I have no words.

Anonymous said...

HAAA. I don't mean to laugh, but that's so ridiculous, it's funny. That's HORRIBLE.

Also worth noting: I have a friend who sells those things too. He actually told me, with a straight face, that ROI could be achieved in five years. HAHAHAHA. FIVE YEARS.

super des said...

I'm gonna start doing that, My dad had cancer and my mom has MS. buy my jewelry.

How's that?

Jess said...


meno said...

That is the description of despicable. I think i'll go look at des' jewelery to console myself.

Anonymous said...

That is the second time in two days you have made me laugh uncontrollably..

Do I know this guy ???? He is my new hero....

-angel apologist

stephanie said...

I have to say the "We've been pretty disturbed as well" part is extraordinarily hilarious.

I'm sad for you that he chose to let the friendship go for dumb reasons...

Anonymous said...

Um, what the hell is he disturbed by? Himself? Ooookay.

Some people are just beyond me. I'm glad you've recognized the parasitic nature of the relationship and are severing ties. No one should use you, SB. No one.

trinity67 said...

What a bonehead.

Truly sorry to hear about his wife but, he's a bonehead.

Suzanne said...

Hmmm... I didn't realize that you knew a Cunty McCunterson, too. Why are there so many of them, and why must they vex good people like you? However, when your book of diagrams comes out (see my comment on your kitchen post), you can send him an email encouraging him to buy it.

Anonymous said...

please spam me at d.alessio@shaw.ca and d.alessio@shaw.ca and d.alessio@shaw.ca and d.alessio@shaw.ca and d.alessio@shaw.ca because i love millions of spam every day.

Anonymous said...

oh yes i love it fdesouche@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

i love it more than you

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