10 February 2010

The befoulment of the Jacuzzi

My gym's jacuzzi is broken. No big deal to me - I never go in it for the following reasons:
1) Eeew sweaty gym dudes
2) Enough chlorine to strip paint
3) The only time I went in, it ruined my swimsuit in 15 minutes. Really.

At the front desk there is a big sign "The jacuzzi is closed til further notice. We regret blah blah blah..."

Each locker room door and each locker room ALSO have signs.

And the jacuzzi itself has the steps cordoned off with yellow caution tape and a sawhorse-thingy with a sign saying the jacuzzi is closed BY ORDER OF THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT.

AND the jacuzzi is streaked with brown clods of diatomaceous earth from the filter system, which is why it is closed. It looks disgusting.

Are you getting the picture? The jacuzzi is very firmly, completely and utterly closed.


Last night during aqua aerobics class, a guy with a mullet and board shorts strolled out of the locker room, apparently looked at the closed sign, walked over to the button that turns on the jets, punched the button and went and put his legs in the jacuzzi.

Nancy and I looked at each other.

"Eeeeew," I said. "Can he not read?"

"Male dumbass syndrome," said Nancy.

Next thing we knew, Mullethead had submerged himself in the jacuzzi.

Then another guy came out of the locker room. HE got in the jacuzzi.

Between telling us to keep moving and breathe (I dunno why aerobics instructors tell us to breathe. I am always breathing), our instructor Deb called the front desk to get someone to boot the losers out.

They were sitting there in water filled with filth from the filter system, water that had not been cleaned or chlorinated in at least a week. I guess it is still warm for some reason.

The desk staff reacted with their usual aplomb and efficiency, which meant not at all.

By now, the whole class was hooting and catcalling at the jacuzzi losers. If you don't want to be bothered in life, don't do stupid stuff in front of a class of older women. Just don't.

Finally Mullethead realized something was up (!) and looked around with The Look of the Terminally Dim. He got out of the jacuzzi and walked over and GOT IN THE POOL.

"Eeeeew," the class moaned. The only thing worse than seeing someone soak in filth is to have the filthy person bring their ook into your clean swimming pool.

But you know how they say there's someone for everyone?

Soon enough, Mullethead had struck up a conversation with Iris, the Fox-News-loving, Glenn-Beck-worshiping woman who thinks Sarah Palin should be president because she is "so pretty."

I think they might make a Love Connection! (And next thing you know, they will probably be breeding. So it goes.)


Susan C said...

All I can say is, "Eeeeeew!"

Joe Crawford (artlung) said...

I wonder what it would have taken to keep them out of the Jacuzzi.

Maybe they would have been stopped if it were filled with cement. But the cement would have had to have set. I think they'd have sat in wet cement.

Men like this give my sex a bad name.

Al_Pal said...

Ew ew ew! ;(

meno said...

I wish them every happiness together and infertility.

Anonymous said...

When I was younger I took a lifeguarding class. The instructor was a cute young thing. He dipped. I found out later he was spitting in the pool. EEWWWW!

Still, it's not like people don't pee and fart in the pool, too.

Wait...why do I like to go swimming in pools again?

g said...


An actual example of someone wallowing in filth.

Ick. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but they seem to court it.

apathy lounge said...

Two people who should definitely get out of the gene pool, if you know what I mean.

Amy said...

You held him under by his mullet, didn't you??

J at www.jellyjules.com said...

They'll be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary before you know it.

We live in a condo, and our pool is closed during the winter. It opens in the late spring/early summer. one hear we had some trash living here, and the kids (18 or 19 year old, not little kids) were in the pool a few weeks before the pool opened. Meaning the chemicals had not been balanced. Meaning, you're risking an ear infection, etc. I told them this, and they made fun of me for it. Like I'm an old lady. Fuckers, I hope their ears bled.

Suzanne said...

Everything about this post is disgusting.

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