Pisser of Light

Hm...Looks like a nice place for a pee

What does painter of pastel cottages Thomas Kinkade do in his spare time?

According to the L.A. Times (registration required, damn them) today, he gets drunk, pisses in elevators and gropes admiring women.

An article today lays out Kinkade's follies for everyone to admire.

Kinkade has leaned pretty hard (by which I mean "pimped like Terrence Howard in "Hustle and Flow") on his Christianity to sell his art but it seems from the article that on many occasions, his behavior has been pretty rotten.

There's this:

In an interview, Sheppard, who often accompanied Kinkade on the road, recounted a trip to Orange County in the late 1990s for the artist's appearance on the "Hour of Power" television show at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove. On the eve of the broadcast, Sheppard said, he and Kinkade returned to the Disneyland Hotel after a night of heavy drinking. As they walked to their rooms, according to Sheppard and another person who was there, Kinkade veered toward a nearby figure of a Disney character.

"Thom wanders over to Winnie the Pooh and decides to 'mark his territory,' " Sheppard told The Times.

In a deposition, the artist alluded to his practice of urinating outdoors, saying he "grew up in the country" where it was common. When pressed about allegedly relieving himself in a hotel elevator in Las Vegas, Kinkade said it might have happened.

"There may have been some ritual territory marking going on, but I don't recall it," he said.

Ritual territory marking? Is that what they are calling drunken urination in public - indoors - these days? I call it "Eeeeeew" but I'm prudish that way.

And you know what is coming next, don't you? In the vein of other fine moralists like Arnold Schwarzenneger and Jerry Falwell, several women claimed he groped them, made inappropriate sexual comments to them and swore at them when they were trying to help him up off the floor after he fell off a barstool.

Kinkade of course has plenty of rationalizations for his behavior, from the Clarence Thomas-esque to the Biblical:

"But you've got to remember," he said, "I'm the idol to these women who are there. They sell my work every day, you know. They're enamored with any attention I would give them. I don't know what kind of flirting they were trying to do with me. I don't recall what was going on that night."

Oh, yes, it wasn't me drunkenly groping the women. It was their fault! Those hoes was flirting with me!

In response to The Times' written questions, Kinkade did not address any specific incident.

"It does disappoint me when people I have tried to help and befriend make crazy allegations about me," he said. "I am a big fan of imagination, but the specific allegations you have described to me are ridiculous and I feel like the victim of a legal stalker."

Again, not my fault. Legal stalking, modern day lynching, that's what it is.

He described himself as "an average, hard-working guy who just happens to be a famous artist" and said he didn't take himself too seriously.

In the recent arbitration case, he also testified that he had never claimed to be perfect.

"Book of Ecclesiastes says enjoy yourself, have a glass of wine, for this is God's will for you," he said. "It's never consistent with God's will that we behave in a sinful way; however, God also loves us and accepts us and understands that at times we have our failings."

Sure, maybe Ecclesiastes says to have a glass of wine. And yes, I too think God loves us and every little sparrow.

But seriously, man, the distance between a glass of wine and drunken pissing at Disneyland is a pretty fur stretch. My advice would be to stop by an AA meeting and talk to the nice folks there. I'm sure they will be able to help you sort out the difference between an adult beverage with dinner and a blackout-style drunken gropefest.