06 May 2006

The rules of poop

Mr. Stapler was unaware of the Girls' Rules of Pooping in Public Restrooms. Apparently guys just go into a stall and let fly. Who knew pooping could be so simple? Not me!

For girls, it is different. It all boils down to (though using the phrase "boils down to" in a post about pooping is probably an unfortunate conjunction) not letting anyone know you are pooping. Why not? Because we are girls, that's why. Isn't that reason enough? You just can't.


1. Try to find a one-stall restroom.

2. If you can't obey rule #1, hold it until you get home. I know that might be 3 days, but believe me, it has been done.

3. If rules #1 and #2 are out the window, you must find an unoccupied restroom.

4. Sneak in, do your thing and get the heck out before someone sees you.
5. Under no circumstances make noise. What, do you want your girl license taken away?

6. If someone comes in, you must stop what you are doing and hold so still that you cease to exist.

7. If you are caught in the circumstances of Rule #6, you have 2 choices: flee quickly before the other person can come out of their stall and see your shameful face, or stay in the stall until they are long gone and can't identify you as a Public Pooper.

8. If you are on the way out of a stall after pooping, you may not make eye contact with anyone as you exit. If you do, you may both burst into Flames of EmbarrassmentTM.

9. You may never, ever just have pooped when your boss is entering the restroom or run into your boss if she is leaving after having pooped. If this happens, the universe collapses in on itself and all existence ceases. Please be very careful about this.

This whole post was spawned by an incident in the bathroom at work yesterday. I went in and there was a woman standing in the restroom talking to someone who was in a stall. The person in the stall was obviously pooping. And they both just kept talking.

I fled, because it was apparent to me that the Poop Police would be there any minute to drag some people off to jail, and I didn't want to get swept up with them.


Anonymous said...

oh man...I've seen things similar but this one is really funny!

What, do you want your girl license taken away?


Barbara said...

I had no idea there were rules other than flush, and wash your hands after. I never thought about it. I don't worry about what strangers think. (Everybody's sh*t stinks don't ya know.) I know there are woman who don't sit on the seat they hold themselves over the bowl... I just feel sorry for them for worrying for nothing. Now I know there are other thing women worry about for nothing.

Bamboo Lemur Boys Are Mean To Their Girls said...

Sue, I'm friggin weeping with laughter. You obviously copied all the rules right out of the
'Girl, Not a Public Pooper' manual. I can't believe we are paranoid in exactly the same way. Although in the last year I've been braver. A helpful tip: Flush as soon as you drop, the suction takes the smell with it. Flush just when you fear you may fart, drowns out the sound completely.

Anonymous said...

Good one. And totally true.

noncommon said...

my only rule of public pooping, following the first few you listed, is flushing WHILE you're pooping. yea, you may be in there flushing 4 or 5 times, but the place doesn't stink. i learned this one when i lived in a house with 15 boys one summer. they needed to learn this practice! just imagine.

spotted elephant said...

Oh, I laughed so hard it hurts.

I thought I was the only one who was that weird about pooping in public.

super des said...

I can't believe you wrote the unwritten rules! But you are exactly right.

Also, I can't stand when people are chatting while using the loo. Especially when I'm involved in some way.

tracey clark said...

I was at a museum the other day and the lady in the stall next to me was poopin' away. I was so mortified (for me AND for her) that I rushed to finish-up so I'd be the hell outta there before she came out of the stall. I just couldn't stand to face the pooper.

Anonymous said...

Haaaaaaaaa! I'm glad someone finally put down the rules in writing. I'd rather die of poisoning than poop in public.

Anonymous said...

I am one of those girls who are completely mortified of having to poop in public. I've very nearly had accidents because of this!

Is there some sort of support group for us?

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