The rules of poop

Mr. Stapler was unaware of the Girls' Rules of Pooping in Public Restrooms. Apparently guys just go into a stall and let fly. Who knew pooping could be so simple? Not me!

For girls, it is different. It all boils down to (though using the phrase "boils down to" in a post about pooping is probably an unfortunate conjunction) not letting anyone know you are pooping. Why not? Because we are girls, that's why. Isn't that reason enough? You just can't.

Rules:

1. Try to find a one-stall restroom.

2. If you can't obey rule #1, hold it until you get home. I know that might be 3 days, but believe me, it has been done.

3. If rules #1 and #2 are out the window, you must find an unoccupied restroom.

4. Sneak in, do your thing and get the heck out before someone sees you.
5. Under no circumstances make noise. What, do you want your girl license taken away?

6. If someone comes in, you must stop what you are doing and hold so still that you cease to exist.

7. If you are caught in the circumstances of Rule #6, you have 2 choices: flee quickly before the other person can come out of their stall and see your shameful face, or stay in the stall until they are long gone and can't identify you as a Public Pooper.

8. If you are on the way out of a stall after pooping, you may not make eye contact with anyone as you exit. If you do, you may both burst into Flames of Embarrassment^TM.

9. You may never, ever just have pooped when your boss is entering the restroom or run into your boss if she is leaving after having pooped. If this happens, the universe collapses in on itself and all existence ceases. Please be very careful about this.

This whole post was spawned by an incident in the bathroom at work yesterday. I went in and there was a woman standing in the restroom talking to someone who was in a stall. The person in the stall was obviously pooping. And they both just kept talking.

I fled, because it was apparent to me that the Poop Police would be there any minute to drag some people off to jail, and I didn't want to get swept up with them.