We had a perfectly lovely party at Mr Stapler's house on Friday night. Good food, good company, lots of interesting international students from all over Europe. But am I going to blog about the fun and loveliness?
Don't you know me better than that? Don't you know that the motto on my escutcheon would read "If you don't have anything nice to say, come and sit by me"?
I am going to bitch about the woman who showed up sick as a dog and sneezed all over my beautiful hors d'oevures and sucked down all the red wine, including a $48 bottle of Dutch Henry Pinot Noir that Mr Stapler opened for her in a moment of drunken merriment. (Note: I do not normally purchase $48 wine. It was the result of a long day of wine tasting in Napa Valley, where my good judgement went out the window at about the 3rd winery.)
Honestly, people. I can see going to the grocery store when you are sick because you need Nyquil. I will even cut people some slack who go to work sick because they need to save their sick days to care for their children. But puh-leaze, if you are sick YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO TO PARTIES.
And if you are stupid enough and clueless enough go to a party, please do not hover over the food table with a wadded up kleenex clutched in your evil little claw.
And especially, do not swill down the expensive Pinot that Suebob will need to drink to recover from the thought of your disgusting microbes polluting her St. Andre Triple Cream brie plate. Go home, beyotch!
There is a way to bum money from me and and a way not to. Here are some helpful hints.
"Excuse me, miss, I was wondering if you could help me out. My sister just had a baby and she is real sick and I need to get $37 for a bus ticket to go help her out and I have $28 and I was wondering if you had any change to spare?"
Why this is good:
1. "Excuse me" - you may be a meth freak, but your mama raised you right.
2. "miss" - I am 45. I will take all the "miss" I can get.
3. "My sister just had a baby..." - I appreciate a good story. It may be total fiction but you at least know how to tug at the heartstrings. Good plotline.
4. "$28..." nice detail
5. "If you had any change to spare..." not presumptious.
"Excuse me. I was wondering if you had any spare change."
Why this is okay
See 1 and 5 above. Not too creative, though.
$1 or all the change in my pocket.
"Do you have a dollar?"
Why this is bad
No "excuse me." No backstory. No polite words at all. Just a presumption that I will give some random drunk in the parking lot at the do-it-ur-self car wash a dollar.
Not gonna happen, pal.