07 January 2007

What, no candles?

Let it never be said that Mr Stapler and I don't know how to party. For his birthday, I got up before he fully awoke. I left to go to church, forgetting to eat breakfast, so my stomach rumbled like a freight train all the way through the service. Nice.

Much later in the day, we met up so that he could bring me the computer charger that I had left at his house. We decided to go to Kmart. Because there is nothing that says birthday merriment like a Sunday afternoon spent strolling the completely-trashed aisles of Kmart.

Not only was it Kmart, but it was the very Kmart that I had worked at as a cashier when I was 19. I was regaling Mr Stapler with this fascinating history when we got to the checkout line, where two heavily-mascara'ed girls, both about the age I had been when I slaved there, were working.

Mr Stapler and I might as well not have existed, because the girls ignored us and kept talking as they scanned our items (a lovely 4-tier wire rack in chrome for Mr S; five Hawaiian print dish towels for me. Both Martha Stewart brand).

"Well, it's funny because I used to be so tiny," said Blondie to her friend. "I was like a size 00 or less than a 00. But now I am like a one or a three. What size pants do YOU wear?" she asked the other girl.

"Oh, man, it's so bad. Like a 7 or 9," said the second girl, a Latina.

"That's because you have a huge butt," said Blondie.

I gaped. "She did NOT just say that," I said.

"Uhhhh, thanks," said the Latina sarcastically.

"I mean, it's ok, white girls don't have any butts, you know, but I wish I did have a booty like you," Blondie babbled.

"I beg your pardon," I said, turning around. "Here is your evidence. If there is a big butt competition, I believe I would be the winner."

That shocked and shut them up for a second. Yes, the old lady does indeed have a colossal ass.

"I want to let it be known that, though I worked at this very Kmart, I never once told someone they had a big butt," I proclaimed.

"It's okay, she's my friend," said Blondie.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," I warned. "I'd keep an eye on my Coke from now on because you never know when you might find a dead bug floating in it."

Because you KNOW I would.

"You're blogging about this?" said Mr Stapler.

"How can I not?" I asked.

He took me back to my car and we parted ways, having celebrated a mid-40s birthday about as well as one expects.

(Note: we did have a very nice evening together last night. Complete with our favorite restaurant owner singing in Italian and tiny cups of chocolate liqueur. Not bad.)


super des said...

In the movie "Go" there is a scene where the main character is working at a supermarket and some trashy lady is her customer. She says "You know, I used to have your job, so don't think you're so hot." And the cashier replies, "And look where it got you."

I like your story better.

Laura said...

Laughed my own colossal ass off!!
Thank you Suebob. I really needed that.

Mr Stapler said...

"You have a huge ass" is the new "Have a Nice Day!", or something like that. I am more than a little upset that Ms Stapler did not mention the fabulous shelf unit I bought during the aforementioned trip.

madness rivera said...

HA! It's not the beauty, but the booty.

Anonymous said...

All I can think of to say hear is, "Wow!" Thanks for the laugh.

My Kids Furniture

themikestand said...

The "you're blogging about this, aren't you" line is awesome. Definitely T-shirt or bumper sticker material.

Maggie said...

My god, heaven forbig you have to wear a size 7 or 9! The quintessential K-Mart experience - young clerks, poor customer service, trashy aisles - oh yeah!

one smarmy mama said...

oh the humanity of being a size 7.

I am half mexicano so I blame my voluptuous booty on that, but I'm half white and that certainly didn't supress it any. :P

Mignon said...

So much for #6.

wordigirl said...

Maybe the white checker doesn't know many other white chicks...especially if she thinks white people don't have big asses. Like you, I would never tell someone I liked that they had a big butt. And I'd like to slap anyone who thinks being a size 7 or 9 is something to bitch about.

TB said...

Heaven forbid you have to squeeze your ass into a size SEVEN.

I worked at K-Mart when I was 18 too... in the men's underwear department. Yeah, that job didn't last long. Do you know how many pairs of dirty underwear and open packages of Fruit of the Loom I found in the dressing room? More than I want to remember. Why someone wouldn't just go for broke and steal the whole pack is beyond me.

Lady M said...

Too funny!

suzanne said...

Man, I love you.

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