17 February 2007

The funniest shower I have ever taken

The dog woke me up at 3:59 a.m., wanting to go outside. I opened the front door and got hit by a blast of hot air. It must have been 85 degrees (at 4 AM!!) and the wind was blowing about 40 mpg.

And these winds? They aren't friendly, happy winds. They are the Santa Ana winds, desert winds that turn my sinuses into shriveled little raisins and make my hair look Robbie Benson's.

All night long the metal water heater cabinet outside the house (yes, klassy, I know) was banging in the wind, sounding like a tympani drum. Bonggggggg bonggggg. I put earplugs in but the sound drove Goldie crazy. She paced around all night, looking for escape. She climbed up on the bed with me but didn't sleep, eat, drink or go outside.

Finally this morning she had had enough. I was taking a shower, mindlessly rubbing some mold off the shower curtain when I felt something against my legs. I am almost blind without my glasses, but even I could see that there was a very large, shower-hating dog sitting in the tiny shower stall at my feet, getting soaked.

Sometimes a girl dog gets scared and just really, really needs her momma.


Mr Stapler and I went bar-hopping last night. This is unusual because the last time I went bar-hopping was...um...well...never. I don't go to that many bars because they involve too many things I hate - drunks, noise, people. When I do go, my usual modus operandi is to find some little corner, sit down and cling to the spot like a barnacle on a rock. I know, I know, I am a whole big ball of fun.

Mr Stapler and I are of that age where we are not among the stylish people with shiny hair who gather in groups and toss their heads about and show off their large white teeth to one another.

We are the people with dog hair on their sweaters who sit close together, listening in on other people's conversation and elbowing each other when it gets particularly inane.

Dude: All those guys, Mao and Lenin and then Stalin...
Dude 2: Yeah, and think about Winchester, he had to go up against Stalin and Hitler and shit...
Mr Stapler: (to me) Winchester? Does he mean Winston Churchill?


I hate to read about people's dreams, so I apologize in advance. But this one cracked me up: I was at work at a huge place. Somehow, we all sort of abandoned our posts to play games and goof off, playing volleyball, singing karaoke, running around like kids. As we went back to the office, I realized our boss was George W. Bush.

"Heh heh, this has been a lot of fun today," Bush said. "I really hope we can do it more often."

"Well, sir," I replied. "When we are at work, we have to work. That's why they CALL it work."

He looked so disappointed.


Mr Stapler said...

Do you really want GWB to work harder? I think he has done enough already.

I too had a weird dream. I worked for a plaintiff's law firm [again]. In short, I was in hell.

You didn't mention my stunning victory over you at Video Trivia Tic Tac Toe. Or the dancing bear at the Italian Restaurant.

MsLittlePea said...

Winchester is one of my personal heros:o)

rookiemom said...

I too, dislike bars. I think it's the smell.

That dream is hysterical.

Lisa said...

We love listening to other people's conversations too. Winchester. heeheee.

claire said...

I especially LOVE first date conversations. They're just so telling. And also awkward and embarrassing.

It's ever so much fun as long as, you know, it's not you.

super des said...

Wow you and I should go to a bar sometime. By that, I mean we should go out to a nice veggie dinner and listen to people's conversations, then have some drinks at home.

The funniest conversation I ever heard was clearly a first date, and the guy was trying impress the girl by telling her about the novel he was writing. It was about robot pirates. But he "didn't want to give too much away." I think he gave away too much already.

I'm sorry that Goldie was so unhappy she took a shower. I also think that's hilarious.

hel said...

Thank you, I have not laughed this much in ages.

Especially at the zing story. Unbelievable.

Suzanne said...

Once again, Des has scooped me. But you describe my bar modus operandi to a tee. Plus, I don't drink, so that makes it extra less fun for me.

gandhi rules said...

goldie in the shower with you. you, mr. and winchester crammed in a corner. most excellent

JeSais said...

LOL really out loud. Winchester??? GOD I LOVE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!

Nancy said...

I love your GWB dream. Too funny!

Poor Goldie.

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