20 May 2008

Letters to everyone

I got this idea from Meno's Blog. She got it from someone else.

Dear "Friend,"

Thanks for waiting til I went out of town to trash me to other people. Did you think it wouldn't get back to me? Well, it did.

--Not your friend anymore


Dear Neighbor,

Please get a job or get some headphones for while you practice your guitar. Our houses are really close together, and it is getting really old.

-- The woman in the back house


Dear people who call me,

I really do want to talk to you. But my phone is buried in the bottom of my purse and I'm driving. Later.

-- The world's worse phone-answerer


Dear Swimmers at the gym,

I know aqua aerobics is supposed to end on the hour. But sometimes we run 2 or 3 minutes late. Can you NOT begin swimming laps thru the middle of the class?

--The lady in the dark green swimsuit who flipped you off under the water because she is classy that way


Dear person on my ass in the slow lane,

Yes, I am going 45. I WAS going 65 until you started tailgating me. Go around or I will go even slower. What is your problem?

-- Little Miss Passive-Aggressive


What do YOU need to say to someone?


jessica said...

Dear Batshit-Crazy Patron,

Please put your shoes back on. Please. For the love of Christ, shoes back on. NOW. No, I will not shake your hand.

Thanks bunches,
The Librarian

meno said...

Dear hair,

While i appreciate that today is a GOOD hair day, yesterday was not. Why do you have to be so difficult? Just tell me what you want?

the follicle owner.

(This is fun, isn't it?)

Traceytreasure said...

Dear Hair,
Why do you have to look your best just before bed? I wish you looked like you did just before bed; first thing in the morning.
I don't think that's too much to ask!
I just might pull a Sinead on you!

Also, you're the best, Suebob!

mar said...

if we're going with the current theme:

dear unruly locks,
why must you look your best, not when i have to go to work, but instead the post-coital tousle is the most flattering look? you know that's not gonna work for me.

your disgruntled landlord


dear referring providers,
when you refer your patient to our specialists & we tell you that we are booked full until at least august, why must you insist on telling your patients that we'll call them/see them some time in july? that just makes us out to be liars when they call wondering why they don't have appointments yet. do you have any idea how many doctors we would need to keep up with the 40 new referrals we get every single day?

thanks for nothing,
overworked clerk iii

g said...

Dear location scout:

I'm sure it must be fun to work for an exciting television show such as your employer's. But please understand that no matter how exciting and wonderful your television show is, it will not convicne me to void the contract of my client who happens to be renting my building on the date you're interested in.

No, please stop trying to convince me.


Building manager.

g said...

Oooh! This is kinda fun!

Dear Boss:

I understand that you lost the hard copy I put in your box and you can't find the email in which I attached the file. I am putting another hard copy in your box and sending another attachment. I would be delighted to show you the filepath in our shared directory where the desired document is saved, if you could understand how these things worked, so you could get it for yourself when you desired it. Won't you please take the Introduction to Windows course offered by our generous employer?


harried worker.

super des said...

Dear Prospective Employer,

Please call me back when you say you will so I don't freak out ALL DAY. And most of the next day. Then, please hire me on the spot when I go in tomorrow. I really need a job, and yours is the best one ever.

the top candidate

apathy lounge said...

Dear AlphaMom/MegaBloggers,

You made your "fortunes" due to the consistent and selfless attentions of commenters like us. Without ever reciprocating. Now you can't even be bothered to hit one computer key in order to PRETEND you're following us on Twitter. Even Barack Obama and John Edwards are going through the motions. Sadly, you seem to think you're busier and more important than they are. You think no one notices your self-absorption and your double-standard. You're wrong.

Sister Wolf said...

Dear children,

SOmeday you will look back and realize how much you have tortured me with you nagging and ingratitude. I will be safe in hell, going 'Ha ha'as you pray for forgiveness.

love, mom

Christina said...

Dear older child,

Stop being so jealous. Your little sister is not going anywhere, so you'd better get used to us playing with her, too.


Oooh...I may need to write a series of these on my blog. This feels good.

Count Mockula said...

Dear school district,

Maybe you would have better teacher retention if you offered maternity leave, since oodles of your new hires are young women.

Yours on unpaid leave,
A Teacher

Dear Fat,

I had the baby. You can go now.

Post-partum gal

Julie said...

Dear Gym Rat,
Wow, yes, lifting those huge weights is impressive. Do you would what would be equally impressive? If you were to pick them up when you are done and put them back on the rack. I bet you are the same guy who circles the lot for a closer parking space so you don't have to walk as far.
Someone who laughs at you on a daily basis at the gym.

Mrs. Swizzle said...

I love this! I may have to do this over at my place. Hmmmm.

SUEB0B said...

Dear Clothing Manufacturer:

There is no reason for any article of clothing sized XL to ever have cap sleeves.

Miss XL

Hilly said...

Dear Bitch Legal Assistant,

Stop calling me every day asking me where your documents are. They are in process and you will get them when *I* get them back from our mutual client. Until then, just like suebob and her passive-aggressive driving, I will purposely slow down this whole process and "lose" your papers for a few days.

Warmest Regards,
The Person Who You Work For, Bitch

Traceytreasure said...

I've needed to say something to shoppers for a long time and your post finally convinced me that it was time to do my post!

Many thanks again and hugs!

Mrs. Swizzle said...

Dear Mother of 3,

Please stop assuming that my life is so much simpler than your because I "only" have 2 children.

Only Two

Letseat said...

Dear Naggers,

Yes, I realize that we have a deadline. Yes, I realize that this is earth-shatteringly important. But I cannot force our vendor to read his 16-page contract any fastor, nor can I take his hand and make him sign it. You seem to be under the impression that by emailing me AND calling me every hour this process will somehow go faster. Sorry to disappoint, but there is no correlation between your nagging frequency and our vendor's reading speed that I have yet discovered.

I miss my old division

gael said...

Dear Neighbor,
Did you know that your driveway is considerably longer than the length of your TWO extended cab pickup trucks? Which means that you can pull the back one in, oh just that little skosh further, so that the back of your second one WON'T STICK INTO THE STREET 6 feet every night.

And I wonder, what kind of lesson are you teaching your children about basic courtesy vs. entitlement?

Funny thing, I've always backed into my driveway so that as I pull out I can see all the little children on the street and now I can't see around your stupid truck. Kids, you're on your own.

Ahh. thanks, redstapler!

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