You may think that I haven't posted all weekend because I am busy living the fabulous life of a single woman in a California beach town, where the weather is always perfect and everyone rides cruiser bikes along the promenade with bouncy blonde hair streaming out behind them.
But no. We at Red Stapler Central have been cloistered, hard at work, doing research to try and discover the answer to a question that has been plaguing humankind forever. Or at least since Friday, when this came up on Mothergoosemouse: why do men take so long to poop? I mean, what are they DOING in the bathroom for so incredibly long? With reading materials?
This quest has taken me on long and arduous google searches with embarrassing strings like: men poop forever why; men restroom long time; men women poop different. And despite hours of effort, I still have not been able to come up with a satisfactory answer.
I did find a whole website Poop Report that is dedicated to the brown stuff. Naturally. Everything is on the web; everyone poops, so therefor everybody poops on the web. Anyone care to draw a Venn diagram?
I found a few articles on the subject: this one from the aforementioned Poop Report that explains a bit about pooping from a male perspective. Master of his own tiny, stinky domain - interesting, but it can't explain all male prolonged pooping. What about at home? What about men who own their own businesses and STILL spend years in the can?
Of course the fearless Dooce weighed in on poop far more hilariously than anyone has a right to do.
And everyone should know the FAQs of bowel habits,right?
One study abstract I saw said that vegetarians and vegans poop with greater frequency than meat-eaters. I want to know when my kickbacks from the toilet paper industry start. I think I deserve them, given that everyone who has lived under my roof for the past 20 years has had to go meatless, at least at home.
Consider this blog entry my public service for the day. I do it for no other reward than the dozens of weird search strings it will assure that I will see in my stat counter for years to come. I can hardly wait.
But I still need your help to discover the source of the mystery. Anyone? Anyone?