12 August 2006

A busy weekend

You may think that I haven't posted all weekend because I am busy living the fabulous life of a single woman in a California beach town, where the weather is always perfect and everyone rides cruiser bikes along the promenade with bouncy blonde hair streaming out behind them.

But no. We at Red Stapler Central have been cloistered, hard at work, doing research to try and discover the answer to a question that has been plaguing humankind forever. Or at least since Friday, when this came up on Mothergoosemouse: why do men take so long to poop? I mean, what are they DOING in the bathroom for so incredibly long? With reading materials?

This quest has taken me on long and arduous google searches with embarrassing strings like: men poop forever why; men restroom long time; men women poop different. And despite hours of effort, I still have not been able to come up with a satisfactory answer.

I did find a whole website Poop Report that is dedicated to the brown stuff. Naturally. Everything is on the web; everyone poops, so therefor everybody poops on the web. Anyone care to draw a Venn diagram?

I found a few articles on the subject: this one from the aforementioned Poop Report that explains a bit about pooping from a male perspective. Master of his own tiny, stinky domain - interesting, but it can't explain all male prolonged pooping. What about at home? What about men who own their own businesses and STILL spend years in the can?

Of course the fearless Dooce weighed in on poop far more hilariously than anyone has a right to do.

And everyone should know the FAQs of bowel habits,right?

One study abstract I saw said that vegetarians and vegans poop with greater frequency than meat-eaters. I want to know when my kickbacks from the toilet paper industry start. I think I deserve them, given that everyone who has lived under my roof for the past 20 years has had to go meatless, at least at home.

Consider this blog entry my public service for the day. I do it for no other reward than the dozens of weird search strings it will assure that I will see in my stat counter for years to come. I can hardly wait.

But I still need your help to discover the source of the mystery. Anyone? Anyone?


meno said...

They take so long because they are waiting for someone else to put a new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser because god knows they couldn't possibly do it themselves.

And that's the straight shit.

Clicked a link to here from somehere, but now i can't remember exactly where. Looks like fun stuff.

Lady M said...

Ha, funny!

It was probably mothergoosemouse who sent you on this train of thought.


Laura said...

You are so right!!!
I get so pissed at my husband!! This is honestly one of our biggest marital issues.

1. We have one bathroom
2. We have 2 horrendously active children.
3. He thinks "pushing" will give him hemmeroids (sp?)
4. He goes into lockdown for 20-60 minutes 2-3 times a day...
5. Ergo, If he is pooping, I have to watch the children alone, and try to not make a spot on the carpet myself.

Sometimes, I have been known to open the door and let the children go in and torment him. Not thing one he can do about it.

Pam said...

This has plagued me for years. And since having kids I have had to add this corollary. (perhaps these searches will reveal the answer). WHY? MUST. MEN. POOP. ALONE? OMG. Because around here one would have to believe that the world could spin off its axis if a small child were to wander into the bathroom during the holy ceremony. Were I to live by that principal, I would have pooped twice in the last ten years. So the answer must hearken back to prehistoric times. But. There was no reading material then. Or was there? The mystery continues.

Heather B. said...

Another plus to being a vegetarian. Awesome.

Holly Capote said...

I think it's partly escape. And partly diet. I think women are more likely to drink a lot of water and eat veggies and other fibrous foods that can reduce pooping to 12.3 seconds. Shit. Now you all know how it takes me to poop.

I'm so fast that if I took a magazine onto the stool, I couldn't read much more than the first paragraph.

It's a good question though. You always ask the good questions, suebob.

Chantal said...

My MIL told my husband exactly what Laura's husband says as well. That pushing too hard and too fast will give you 'roids. I've refuted this so many times, but I know what he's doing in there. Same thing I do. Hiding.

Holly Capote said...

Wait. I think I figured it out. Maybe men aren't slow poopers. Maybe men poop at the natural pace. Maybe they just seem slow compared to women. Women are unnaturally fast shitters because there's always, ALWAYS more shit to do.

mothergoosemouse said...

Venn diagram of pooping groups/locations - Suebob, you are killing me!

Your research was much more exhaustive than mine; I'm impressed. Anecdotal evidence only took me so far, but you were able to obtain published reports on the subject.

one smarmy mama said...

Well, I don't know about you, but I don't go to the bathroom to poop until I NEED to. I think men sense there MAY be a poop impending and go in and let it find it's way out, where as women go in there when it's necessary and don't waste time waiting.

Amanda B. said...

Mmmmm. Bowel Habits.

jes said...

See, I am so opposite! In my household, men poop in three seconds flat. And then: THEY'RE done. No more. Finished.

Whereas I am the longest pooper in the world. I am constantly constipated. Sometimes I try to force myself to go, and cannot. I just sit there, with my husband knocking on the door, wondering whether I've managed to strain out my internal organs.

Alas. Something is amiss.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Okay, I'm really afraid of following those links.

Really, really afraid. There are some things I just don't want to know about. :)

gandhi rules said...

I love a good poop story. Guy poop stinks worse too..

Lisa said...

That is so funny. You are very right. Didn't know that vegans poop more. But it DOES make sense.

SUEB0B said...

Meno - you may be right.
Lady M- thanks. I went back and gave her the link.
Laura - good strategy with the kids. I know how having one bathroom is. Bad, that's how it is.
Jes - more fiber. Try my naturopath's famous hi-fiber oatmeal - 1/2 cup old fashioned oatmeal, 1/4 cup wheat bran, cooked together. Constipation be gone.

Suzanne said...

Man, my husband told me that when he worked at an investment bank, the men would put their newspaper down on the floor while they read in the stall. That seriously repulses me.

I think they take forever for 2 reasons: 1. they read (I swear this is where Husband does all his reading) and 2. they try to wait out the smell so they will not be so embarassed if someone else walks in right after them.

TB said...

I think the simple answer is because they can. Unlike women who always feel they have a million things to do and don't take the luxury of sitting on the toilet for 20 minutes, men can read an entire magazine while stewing on the can.

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