12 July 2006

The agony and the ecstasy

It has been a weird couple days around Red Stapler.

First, Rachel Mosteller mentions me on Blogging Baby on Monday and my stats blow up like Melanie Griffith's lips (baaad photo!). Behold the mighty power of Blogging Baby!

I had a moment of pride and hubris until I checked another stat: visit length. 91 percent of visitors stayed LESS THAN FIVE SECONDS. It might have been because the Blogging Baby link was just to my blog, and the post to which Rachel was referring was an older one than the one on the landing page.

But five seconds. THAT will teach me to think I am interesting in any way. One line and they're out. Gone. Buh-bye, Red Stapler, you boring old hack. Die, blogger, die.

Then I take up Queen of Spain's Write Something Important Challenge. I wrote a post about why I have never had kids after I had consumed 2 (rather large) gin and tonics. Then I went to bed. I woke up thinking for sure everyone would hate me, but instead marvelled at the kind and supportive comments I got.

So now I am forced to take drastic measures. I am going to say every offensive thing I can think of about your kids so you can really hate me. You can play along if you would like:

1. Sure you think he's cute. Every parent thinks their child is cute.
2. I have never had kids, but I am sure mine would turn out better than that.
3. Does she always act up like this?
4. My friend Carla is a wonderful mother. Maybe she could give you some advice.
5. I have heard of a great book on parenting. I'll pick you up a copy.
6. Do you really let him go out looking like that?
7. I think that whole ADD/learning disability/Aspberger's thing is a myth. Back in the day, kids didn't get those things.
8. You're getting boring with all this kid talk. Don't you ever think about anything else?
9. Can't you control him?
10. With the way they are acting, I'll bet you wish you never had kids.
11. I can't believe you are going to have another one.
12. I can't believe you are going to have another one when you: are so young/are so old/will be having it so close to the other one/will be having it so many years after the last one/have so little money/have a career that is going so well/just got back to work.
13. Do you really think those fertility treatments are worth it?
14. Is he getting a little chunky?
15. I guess they don't know about using indoor voices.

Ok, that is enough for now. I will try harder to piss you off tomorrow.

Linkateria today: a good, detailed birth story, Fluid Pudding, tiny undies and other wonders.


mdog said...

love it.

16. See that [motion to horrendous behavior]? That's why I don't have kids.

super des said...

That's it. I hate you. NOBODY insults MY kids that way!

Chantal said...

Each and every one made me laugh.

Good for you for trying, but I'll stick with supportive and understanding. ;)

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Hm. Nice try, but I'm not offended. And NO, I can't control them. I think that is why I respect your decision to not have any so much.

Stupid biological imperative.

cameo said...

i'm not offended. i'm a parent and i say some of those things. about other peoples kids, of course. but i think if a kid has a problem, it's more than not something the parent is doing wrong. and just so you know, my kids are perfect, because i'm the perfect parent!

no wait. i was the perfect parent BEFORE i had kids. that's when i knew EVERYTHING!

damn, kids dumb you down. no wonder you're so freakin' smart and funny. rock on!

and 5 seconds? phew! they know not what they miss.

Lisa said...

Oh my god. Those were SO FUNNY. YOu made me laugh out loud. THanks!

Queen of Spain said...

The two kids knocking on your hyatt door and running in San Jose? Those will be mine. I'll be sending them by every 15 minutes or so.


And next time you try to offend us, try using the words "britney" "soccer mom" or "ann coulter"-that might get the job done.

shoesonwrong said...

I've had that happen before. You get mentioned somewhere big and your stats go up.

But then! After you go on the shopping spree, buying expensive old cars and ponies (the cars are old, the ponies are not), you realize nobody's really hanging around.

Then comes the anger. Who is going to subsidize your newly discovered young pony passion if the internet won't? WHO?

Finally, there is the returning of the old cars and releasing of the young ponies into the wilds of local park (it's the right thing to do, trust me) when you realize that all the fame and glory you banked on was just a temporary blip.

We've all been there. We've all been there.

shoesonwrong said...

Also, does "young pony passion" sound dirty to you too?

wordgirl said...

Okay...same thing happened here. Remember when I wrote about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Rachel mentioned it on Blogging Baby and I swear I was nearly hauled out a verbally stoned to death. Those Blogging Baby folks are...uh...wound a bit too tightly. Uh-oh....I feel one breathing down my neck right now.

cheesefairy said...

Thanks for the link...I just stayed here for longer than 5 seconds if that's any consolation.

Average Jane said...

Ha! I don't have kids, so you can't get me that way. And I'll have you know that I added your site to my blogroll as soon as I found it, so I'm one of the "more than 5 seconds" group.

Pam said...

If this were the first I'd visited the site, I'd probably have you lumped in with those boring anti-kid types to whom I just want to say, "Hope someone is having kids so you'll have people to change the bed pans in your old age." But guess what? I found you days ago and love you already. I'm not sure how I found Red Stapler, but it was love at first read. So when I read your anti-kid rant I say, Ha. I agree. Kids are big pain in the neck. Mine are lovely at times. But mostly they live to annoy. The secret is out.

Christina said...

You really have to try harder than that to offend me. I will happily admit my child is a monster, and always take parenting advice.

Gotta agree with Queen - if you want to offend us, try telling us you're a W supporter.

SUEB0B said...

Ok, y'all, I am a W. supporter. I would support his going back to Texas to run a crappy baseball franchise again (he wasn't much good at that, either, though he did manage to make money off it).

Sandra said...

You crack me up, I have a list of 'fantasy' comments like this too. I also like, "Ahh, all for lack of a condom" to be said strategically at the peak of a kicking tantrum in the aisle at Target.

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