It has been a weird couple days around Red Stapler.
First, Rachel Mosteller mentions me on Blogging Baby on Monday and my stats blow up like Melanie Griffith's lips (baaad photo!). Behold the mighty power of Blogging Baby!
I had a moment of pride and hubris until I checked another stat: visit length. 91 percent of visitors stayed LESS THAN FIVE SECONDS. It might have been because the Blogging Baby link was just to my blog, and the post to which Rachel was referring was an older one than the one on the landing page.
But five seconds. THAT will teach me to think I am interesting in any way. One line and they're out. Gone. Buh-bye, Red Stapler, you boring old hack. Die, blogger, die.
Then I take up Queen of Spain's Write Something Important Challenge. I wrote a post about why I have never had kids after I had consumed 2 (rather large) gin and tonics. Then I went to bed. I woke up thinking for sure everyone would hate me, but instead marvelled at the kind and supportive comments I got.
So now I am forced to take drastic measures. I am going to say every offensive thing I can think of about your kids so you can really hate me. You can play along if you would like:
1. Sure you think he's cute. Every parent thinks their child is cute.
2. I have never had kids, but I am sure mine would turn out better than that.
3. Does she always act up like this?
4. My friend Carla is a wonderful mother. Maybe she could give you some advice.
5. I have heard of a great book on parenting. I'll pick you up a copy.
6. Do you really let him go out looking like that?
7. I think that whole ADD/learning disability/Aspberger's thing is a myth. Back in the day, kids didn't get those things.
8. You're getting boring with all this kid talk. Don't you ever think about anything else?
9. Can't you control him?
10. With the way they are acting, I'll bet you wish you never had kids.
11. I can't believe you are going to have another one.
12. I can't believe you are going to have another one when you: are so young/are so old/will be having it so close to the other one/will be having it so many years after the last one/have so little money/have a career that is going so well/just got back to work.
13. Do you really think those fertility treatments are worth it?
14. Is he getting a little chunky?
15. I guess they don't know about using indoor voices.
Ok, that is enough for now. I will try harder to piss you off tomorrow.
Linkateria today: a good, detailed birth story, Fluid Pudding, tiny undies and other wonders.