13 July 2006

Princess Grace

If you read this blog regularly, you know some stuff about me: I am goofy about my dog; I am childless and a crazy single spinster by choice; I have two jobs, one of which is not that much fun but pays the bills and the other that is Too Much Fun and doesn't.

What you may have failed to realize from my writing is that I am the perfect picture of poise and grace. I know, it is hard to convey such a thing in this medium, but trust me - I am a lovely combination of Audrey Hepburn and Miss Manners, with maybe a touch of Princess Diana thrown in (the AIDS-baby hugging Princess Di, not the late-night anorexic party slut Princess Di).

Here is a perfect example: I was leaving work today and I was hungry, due to my failure to make a decent lunch for myself. I had a bag of the highly addictive Trader Joe's Banana Crisps in my car and decided to open them as I left the parking lot.

The package was one of those tough little bitches to open. Impossible to tear. But I was hungry and couldn't wait. I needed an implement. In my 100 degree car, I grabbed the nearest sharp and pointy thing - a blue pen. I took off the cap and stabbed it into the plastic bag, thus releasing an arc of hot blue ink spray all over the immediate area (including my neck, as I discovered later in the bathroom at the restaurant where I had gone with my family for dinner).

I looked for something to mop up the ink with. I had just cleaned all of the wadded up tissues out of my purse a few hours earlier, and had been feeling quite tidy and virtuous. I searched around the car, but all I could find was an Always Extra Long Maxi-Pad with wings. What the hell. You gotta work with what you have.

I opened it and mopped up all the blue spots I could find. Then I looked down at the pad in my hand. I realized that I had unwittingly re-created the wet pad they always show you commercials - the one that always causes me to ask "Do they really think women leak blue window washing fluid?"

Yes, dear readers. Class and elegance, that is how I shall ever be remembered.

Am I going to pimp Linkateria every single day? Why, yes I am. Because it is full of great stuff, that's why. And today it is especially hilarious.


Janet Evening said...

I have always loved you, but that is your crowning moment. And as a bonus; mom'n'dad'n'sis at the table waiting...
Oh lordie.

gandhi rules said...

Honestly I do think this is something you should add to the memorial service you've planned for yourself, as it is fitting. I have seen you in these muddles before and your ingenuity is priceless. And I can see myself making all the same decisions you did. Of course the pad is the best option.

super des said...

so that's where that blue stuff comes from. Diapers, too, would work I think, if tv has taught me anything.

kudos to you.

julia said...


I laugh because this sounds exactly like something I would do.

crazymumma said...

What poise, such elegance, but really, those things are handy in a pinch...

(Found my youngest with my 'lightdays' wrapped around her wrist, calling it a 'bracelet).

Her Father nearly hurled.

Feninine Sanitation never had it so good...

Jenny said...

Ha! Did you leave the pad out on the dashboard accidentally? Because if so we might be related.

Her Bad Mother said...

That was beautiful. Just wonderful. Thanks for the visual.

(ANd - keep pimping the links! It's a great site!)

Suzanne said...

Oh my god, you make me laugh. I might get kicked out of the Admirals' Club that some kind soul smuggled me into while I wait for my red eye flight home. But man, it would be so worth it. Thank you.

jes said...

oddly, that makes me want to keep pads in my car instead of tampons.

SUEB0B said...

Janet and Gandhi - yes, those who know me live in person already know of my incredible grace and poise.

Des - if my bladder control/dog story is any indication, I may have diapers in my car soon, too.

Julia - I KNEW there had to be others out there!

AC - your daughter just has an advanced sense of style. I predict "Project Runway" for her.

Jenny - it is probably stuck to the back of my dress.

HBM, Suzanne - I always love compliments, especially coming from those I admire so much!

Jes - I have also used the Always maxis in my hiking boots to prevent blisters. They are multi-functional.

J.R. Kinnard said...

Dear god, Sue! I check out for a few weeks and come back to find you have 10 blogs now! You know that is a warning sign, don't you? Writing too many blog makes you do crazy things, like shoot ink all over yourself.

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