Suebob's Red Stapler: Baby Name Barf

30 May 2006

Baby Name Barf

Stolen from Kottke - the Social Security Administration's 2005 list of top baby names (your tax dollars at work. When you are old and destitute, you can thank them for projects like this).

I don't know why the girls' names are so much more barf-worthy to me than the boys'. I guess because parents try to get creative with the girls.

For special feelings of queasiness, I select Madison (#3 on the most-popular list), Ava (oh, come on! Just call her "Princess Grace" and get your whole 50's movie star worship thing out of the way) and the much-overused "Ashley."

Other girls' names I may scream if I hear one more time:
Tiffany (I know someone named Tiffni. No! No! Bad mommy.)
Mackenzie
Caitlyn/Caitlin/Kaitlyn/Kaitlynn/however you spell it
Brittany (I worked with a dear wonderful woman who named her child Britni. Sigh. First, it is the name of a Spaniel. Second, spelling counts, people.)

Names I wish would come back because they crack me up:
Ethel
Mabel
Pearl
Ciel
I guess I am good with that ending "L" sound.

Ok, that's enough bitching about names for now. I know you can't help the name you were given. You can barely help what you named your kid.

Fer chrissakes, I had to grow up with that g**d*mn Johnny Cash song "A Boy Named Sue" so that is probably what scarred me so badly about the whole name business in the first place. Every adult I met, upon hearing my name, would lean over and leer "Are you a boy named Sue? How do you do?" That is how I perfected my blank hateful stare at an early age. I mean, I must have heard it 1000 times.

And if I had a girl what would I call her? Xochitl, of course. A fine strong Aztec name. You got a problem with that?

22 comments:

Anonymous said...: The creative spelling is what gets me. WHY do parents wish to relegate their child to as lifetime of having to spell their name for people?; 10:18 PM
super des said...: have you heard about "nevaeh?"

It's "heaven" spelled backwards, and apparantly it's gaining popularity.

weirdos.; 5:13 AM
Bamboo Lemur Boys Are Mean To Their Girls said...: Don't you get it? it's a competion within various social orders of breaders, I mean parents (come on, it's funny). Whether it's the 'fit ins' or the 'we're groovy creative types', countless others, whatever. They are trying to make their spawn, I mean child (It's Funny dammit!) win the prize for best name.

I'm with Izzy, the creative spelling gets me. My half brother's daughter's name is Briatayne. Pronounced Brittany. Her mother created it from both her and my brother's name combined. Brian and Jamye. Geesh.; 5:39 AM
Bamboo Lemur Boys Are Mean To Their Girls said...: Barf's good.; 5:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Yeah. I'm not for the creative spelling. My name (Kristen) isn't weird - but no one can ever spell it.

When I was preggers, the huz asked me "How about Desiree - now that's a pretty name"

I'll save my comments. I'm thinking you know what I'm thinking.; 7:18 AM
noncommon said...: i have GREAT issue with the k-names too. i can't stand kayla, kendra, keeley, kiley, kaley, kinsey... you get the idea (this goes equally for the mackenzie, mickayla ones too). those names grate my nerves, and there are a TON of thenm out there! a TON! oh, and names, which used to be last names, but are now first - you know the ones. and soap opera names. and while we're at it - i was some place once and heard this mother calling her GORGEOUS little daughter - the child was absolutly beautiful - the idiot mama named that beautiful baby TUSCANY! i shit you now! but growning up i knew a girl named Xantipi (sp?); 7:49 AM
noncommon said...: that would be 'i shit you NOT' - not 'i shit you now' - i'm not shitting on this one! ;); 7:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Funny. I too cringe when I hear Tiffany and Brittany (always accompanied by the "that's a dog's name!" thought). Did you ever see that old SNL skit where the mothers were calling their kids on the playground, "Chlamydia, time to eat! Tetracycline, let's go!"

And yes, cameo, the k-names, which cross all gender and good taste borders.

There's a pretty well known blogger who just had a baby recently and named her Genoa. I keep wanting to comment on her site and say, excuse me, but isn't that a kind of salami? Only I like her, so I don't.; 8:49 AM
Christina said...: I hate the creative spellings, and I honestly can't stand any girl's name that starts with "Mc" or "Mac". Do they not realize that Mac means "son of" in the Irish language?

Have you seen the website Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing? (http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/) It's days worth of bad names with commentary.; 10:32 AM
super des said...: I would like to point out to motherhooduncensored that desiree is an AWESOME name.; 10:42 AM
Table4Five said...: Um, Sue? Since we're going to be roommates at BlogHer, should I just refrain from talking about my daughter Kaitlyn? If you're wondering, my mother died in 1997 just before my oldest son's first birthday, and I vowed that if I ever had a girl, I would use my mother's middle name (Kay) as a name for my daughter.

When I found out I was having a girl, I spelled out Kay with alphabet magnets, and then took Lynn which is the middle name of both my sister and sister-in-law, put the two names together, and then started saying different combinations out loud until I hit on Kaitlyn.

My friend just had a girl and named her Gretchen.; 11:58 AM
Anonymous said...: ah names, it's a lot easier to make fun of them until you actually have to name a child. my kids have awesome names; 12:07 PM
noncommon said...: hey elizabeth - my middle name is kay and so is my mom's and so is my daughters! when i was little i thought all women had the middle name of kay! glad to know your mom was one of them.; 2:01 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm so not a fan of the creative spelling. It makes me want to scream.

And I do not want to see Ethel come back. Ever. My father still calls me that - after Big Ethel from the Archie comics. That did alot for me at 13 being 6 feet tall and about 110lb!; 4:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Ah, but I love those old-fashioned names! And I think Ethel's pretty.

Also. What christina said about Bad Baby Names. Had me guffawing when I saw it.; 4:58 PM
Tupelo Honey said...: I am waiting for the resurgence of Dorothy (Dot). Agnes and Msarycollette!; 8:32 PM
Bamboo Lemur Boys Are Mean To Their Girls said...: I'm with Cameo. I can't stand Kayla either.; 4:39 AM
SUEB0B said...: Gandhi - you're right. I used to think Kayla was pretty. Now not so much.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time.; 6:03 AM
Kristin said...: I went to school with a "Xochitl"... it was a cool name then and it is a cool name now!; 3:44 PM
Chicky Chicky Baby said...: If it helps, Brittanys aren't technically spaniels.

Sorry, couldn't help myself. :); 7:51 PM
Debbie said...: I just ran into an old friend at the pediatrician's today, who was toting her baby girl named Mabel (four weeks old).

I also have a friend who named her child Hazel - I think she's approx. four years old, or thereabouts.

There - you're getting your wish!

p.s. I'm kind of grossed out by most modern names, too. but it's so danged hard to get around that stuff - it's our weird cultural cycle and obsession with all things contemporary.; 9:35 PM
Anonymous said...: HA! Pearl! It's my husband's grandmother's name. He's dying to use it, but I'm not sure I would do that to a kid.

But I also would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do anything with creative spelling. That's like a life sentence.; 4:29 AM