31 March 2007

I give up

I quit eating meat in 1986. I remember the exact moment. I had gotten a pork chile verde burrito from Taco de Mexico in Santa Maria and was driving south in my car, eating my Sunday-edition sized food with one hand while steering with the other.

Suddenly I looked down at my burrito and went "Ugh." I folded the foil up around it, stuck it in the white paper bag from whence it came, and threw it on the floor of my car.

When I got to Los Olivos Days, my cousins asked "Want to go to the barbecue?"

"Nope," I answered. "I'm a vegetarian."

That was that.

Fast forward 21 years. Today I was looking at a kohlrabi I was eating raw.

"Ugh," I thought.

I went and got an In-n-Out double double burger and some fries. I felt a little worse for wear afterward, but dang it tasted great.

That was that. 21 years of vegetarianism out the window in one fell burger.

My people, my people.

If you believe that crap, you have forgotten how much I love April Fools Day.

And how much I love kohlrabi.

In other April Fools Day news, I have been punk'd. I woke up and looked at my clock. 7:15 a.m. I knew I had to get going because I am in charge of food for church today and I was baking something that took an hour.

I made my cheese blintz puff (yum), fed me and the dog, blogged a bit. Soon it was 8:30 and time to get ready for church.

I took a shower and looked at my cell phone.

7:58 a.m.

Huh? Clock says 8:58, computer says 8:58.

I called my mom. "Ma! What time is it?"

"It's just about 8."

I finally figured it out. Today was the day that the time was supposed to change. My computer and clock didn't do it 3 weeks ago when the time changed early this year, so I fixed them. And today they fixed me.

It feels weird to get April Foolsed by technology, without even any of my family members involved.

30 March 2007

One thing I know for sure

I'm boycotting Circuit City for life and I encourage you to do the same.

The old unspoken contract used to be that, if employees worked hard, learned their job better, and kept coming back, their employer would treat them right.

Now apparently Circuit City feels free to act like an abusive spouse: I'll insult you and treat you like crap and expect you to keep coming back for more.

27 March 2007

One good excuse is all I need

I have to go do that stupid health fair thing again tomorrow. Four more hours of listening to the same stupid new age music.

This from a woman who walked out of a George Winston concert, ready to commit murder, feeling completely justified because of the crimes against music that man committed.

Don't make me go!! Can you think of an excuse?

Jake, of the Blues Brothers: I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locust's. It wasn't my fault!! I swear to God!!

I could have sworn he said "The bridge was up." It is funny how we imagine these things. Laura??

26 March 2007

You know what is ironic?

No, not rain on your wedding day. That's not ironic, it is unfortunate.

Ironic is when you get roped into helping at a fitness event at work and you spend three hours handing out flyers on stress relief and end up all stressed because you have had to listen to the same three minutes of crappy new-age-stress-release music over and over and over.

THAT is irony, Alanis.

And then not so ironic but still sucky is when you go to lunch and order a taco salad, no steak, just throw some rice and beans in there instead. So the woman charges you for a taco salad AND a side of rice and a side of beans so suddenly you have a $9 taco salad. WTF? I'm getting penalized for a LACK OF STEAK?

And then the meatless taco salad contains random chunks of meat. But I'm not going to say anything - I'm cool that way, not like Vic's vegetarian friend who stood up in a cafe, threw his food down in a rice-and-bean splatter explosion and yelled "OH FUCKING DOGSHIT" when he got a sliver of chicken in his veg burrito.

But the chunk of wood! Wow, that was a new one on me. And I LIKE fiber. My teeth were so surprised! Because wood? Not really a normal ingredient in a taco salad where I am from.

I took my salad back to the overcharging beetch at the counter and said "I'm done. I'm out." She reluctantly gave me a refund (I had to show her the wood - "Look, WOOD") - not for the drink, of course, just the salad - beetch - and I went to Olas where I got some nice tacos and the opportunity to watch surf videos.

But somehow my day still wasn't ruined. Because you know when you have had PMS? And then it lifts? Isn't it like the sun coming out of the clouds on a really gloomy day? And everything is all bright and shiny and happy by comparison. And you just start singing "I feel good!" even at the gas station.

p.s. Thanks to Amalah for letting me borrow some of her question marks.

25 March 2007

Thank goodness for waterproof mascara

David Ault spoke at my church today. I feel fortunate to have been able to hear him talk, because he is one of those people with a gift for reminding you that life can be full of hope and purpose and fun. Yeah, I'm usually more cynical than that, which is why I need to be reminded more than other people.

He also sang this song that always makes me cry.

How, indeed?
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