01 October 2009

On the bright side

I never write about work because I am afraid of getting Dooced. But I may get laid off any minute.

Looking on the bright side - if that happens, I have a couple dozen really ripping blog posts in me.

Meanwhile, I have to relay a true story I heard on the radio today:

Three generations of the same family's women had gone to the same gynecologist for as long as they had all needed a gynie doc. Finally, the old GYN retired and a really good looking young doctor took his place.

The daughter went first and came home and told the mom and grandma how great the new doctor was.

Then grandma went. She came home and was mad as hell. She said to the granddaughter "I thought you said that guy was nice! But I have never been so humiliated! I put my feet in the stirrups and he lifted up the sheet and said 'Fancy!' What does THAT mean?"

Digging a little deeper, the granddaughter found out that Grandma had been nervous about the appointment, so she used some of her granddaughter's feminine hygeine spray right before she left for the appointment.

"But Nana, I don't have any feminine hygeine spray," said the granddaughter. "Show me what you used."

Grandma had picked up the granddaughter's can of red glitter hairspray.

Fancy, indeed.

28 September 2009

Welcome to California! Or, Adventures in Dogwalking Part 81

Goldie glows

Dear German Tourist Couple,

Yes, it was a lovely sunset, wasn't it? You looked like you were enjoying yourselves, walking along the beach path holding hands, in your comfortable, well-made shoes and natural-fiber clothing.

I'm sorry about the screaming.

I certainly did not mean to startle you. I know that the scene looked all too typical - a chunky middle-aged woman in fat-ass yoga pants with a yellow dog on a leash, walking near the bushes just after sunset.

I did not mean to scream so loud, or for so long. But it was the rats.

Oh, you SAW the rats, that's right, I remember. Yes, we have rats here. Right along the scenic beach.

I thought Goldie might have been onto something when she stuck her head in the bush. But often as not, all she scares up are lizards. So the two large, fast-moving rats were quite a nasty surprise.

They ran RIGHT for me. So I screamed like a little girl. Except with the force of a grown-ass woman.

That was quite some dance I did, too. I'll bet you didn't know that we lard-assed Americans could put on such a spectacular show. I looked like someone from the 1972 East German Olympic gymnastics team, right? Or is that a painful subject?

I hope you can forgive these transgressions. We here in California certainly appreciate your tourist dollars, especially as the state is flat broke. Please return again, and spend freely.

But you might want to avoid those shrubberies next to the trash cans.

Your tour guide,
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