20 March 2009

Insanity, grocery store version

First, a Red Stapler photo of Moosh In Indy, BlogHer Chicago 2007 - I think she had just started blogging. And now she is like Queen of the Internet.
Moosh in Indy

I went to Trader Joe's and the checker and the bagger were laughing with tears in their eyes.

I just had to know.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Oh my God," the checker said. "This lady came through my line with a box of dog biscuits. After I rang them up, she asked me to hand them to her. I looked over and she was eating the dog biscuits."

"I swear," said the bagger. "I was there. DOG BISCUITS! Just munching them down."

"Then she noticed us staring at her," said the checker. "So she held out the box and offered us some."

"Like we were staring at her because she was eating in front of us and she hadn't offered us anything," said the bagger. "Not because she was eating dog food."

I cannot make this stuff up, people. I just report what happens.

19 March 2009

Weird Neighbors

My neighbors Tony and Lottie have 2 large Cujo-like dogs. When Goldie is in the yard, they snarl at the fence as if they are going to bust through the wood and tear her limb from limb.

Goldie, being a polite GOOD GIRL lady dog, merely prances along the fence with her toy in her mouth, making her little "rrrr-rrrr-rrrr" noise.

The Cujos are barkers, too, and since Tony and Lottie live in a house at the front of a deep lot, and since I live in the house at the back of a deep lot, when the dogs bark at the back fence, the neighbors can't hear them, but I can.

Last night I went to bed about 11 and one of the Cujos was barking. I put in earplugs and turned on my radio to loud static. I could still hear Cujo, who is the most annoying barker on the plane. He was quiet just long enough to allow me to fall asleep, then a short burst of loud barking.

Awake. Asleep. Awake. Asleep. And so on.

At 11:35, I got up, put on clothes, put on shoes, went out to the fence and made sure it was indeed the Cujo doing the barking.

I walked over and knocked on the neighbors' door. I could see their TV on and all their cars were home. No answer. More knocking. Louder knocking. Waiting.

Finally Tony came to the door.

"Um, I think your dog is barking at the back fence," I said.

"No, my dogs are inside here," Tony said.

"Huh? Are you sure? I was RIGHT by the fence and your dog was out..." I said, puzzled.

"Nope," Tony said.

I came back home and the barking had stopped. Cujo was inside.

Tony had gotten up, let his dog in, then come to the door and LIED to me about his dog being outside. Why not just say "Oh, sorry about the barking, I just put the dog in"?

How weird can people get?

18 March 2009

All about my face

Sorry about the lack of blogging (oh, yes, I know, the world positively wept at the lack of Red Stapler posts. No apologies needed, Miss Self-Centered).

I try not to mention That Place I Go 40 Hours a Week, but let's just say that since the beginning of the year, it has sucked all of the marrow out of my bones and left my crumpled carcass to dry in the sun (but I love it! I do! Because I NEED ME A JOB!), so I just haven't been able to persuade my carcass to post very often.

Speaking of my carcass, let's look at all the great things that have happened to my face in 2009:

First, in January, Goldie clocked me in the mouth with her head as she was struggling to get away from the veterinarian. I actually saw the proverbial stars! That dog has a head the same size and specific gravity as a red brick. I swear the resulting bruise looked more impressive in real life than in this photo:
the bruise where Goldie clocked me in the mouth

The there was the cute new haircut, accompanied by a colossal zit on the end of my nose that plagued me for over 2 weeks. BIG! RED! ZIT! You might say I have the skin of a woman 1/4 my age (but not in a good way):
Kizzbeth - you asked! My new hair.

Last week, I got 3 fillings (2 were replacements) and a great new bruise atop one of my chins, thanks to Dr. R. Can I maybe get a discount off that $528 bill for the disfigurement?
The year of facial bruising!

And then yesterday my eye started to hurt. And swell. And swell:
my swollen eye
Ah, ah, ahllergy season!

2009 has obviously not been my year. If it keeps going like this, I think Vogue is going to cancel my upcoming cover. Dang.

15 March 2009

I guess we could go random

I have some weird superstitions:

1. I hate it when I am driving and I go on a bridge either over or under a moving train. This happened to me twice this week.

2. I will not sign a check in red ink.

3. I only pick up pennies that are heads up.

4. I think the number 23 is the luckiest number.

How about you?
Back to top