29 May 2010

How to Sound Like You Know What You're Talking About

In many cases, you only need to know one sentence to make people think you know what you are talking about. Why take the time to be a real expert, when being a fake expert is so much easier and shuts people up right away?

"It dies on the middle palate."
This is genius because no one knows what the hell it means. Most people can't find their middle palate and wouldn't know if a dead gopher was resting there. I have made wine people fall completely silent with this when I have managed to pronounce it with sufficient gravitas. Suddenly, I am The Wine Expert. Little do they know that I usually drink $1.99 choices from Fresh & Easy.

"They've gotta get out there and bang the boards."
I think this means they need to get more rebounds. But it is enough to make any basketball fan agree with you and think you know what you are talking about.

"Claude Garamond would be rolling in his grave/laughing right now/hiring this person."
Depending on whether the typeface is ugly, silly or gorgeous, you can't go wrong by invoking Garamond. We are still using his fonts 500 years later - he must have done something right.

28 May 2010

Friday Crankies

At the checkout stand, I wonder

  • Does anyone actually believe that you can lose 42 pounds in 2 weeks (without surgery)?

  • Why do magazine articles have to give you an odd number of hints? "7 Ways to Better Blowjobs" "Nine Shortcuts to a Cleaner Baby" etc.

  • Why do women's magazines so often feature a cover with a 12,000 calorie dessert AND a diet plan?


  • Does the fact that I like Tic-Tacs make me 78 years old?

  • Is there some kind of Kardashian of the Week club? I can't keep all these skanks straight!

  • There's nothing quite as cheering as Stars Without Makeup.

24 May 2010


What do you get when you combine an almost-deaf greyhound mutt with a love for exploring, a blind old man with a tendency to leave the garage door open, and an old lady who can't walk?

An old lady speeding down the street in her nightgown on an electric wheelchair, screaming "GOLDIE" at the top of her lungs.

Ah, well, it makes for a lively day around Casa de los Locos.
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