14 April 2007

And now, this snooze

Mr Stapler and I broke up. It happened a while ago. I almost feel like you should all know about it already. I didn't post about it because I have been torn between protecting his privacy and my need to spew everything that happens to me all over the Inturnets.

As usual, the internet won. I figured that it's my life, my story, and I have protected his privacy pretty well by never posting his real name, location or any other identifying marks.

We broke up for the usual reasons. You know. Because I am a perfect, pretty princess and he is a benzene-spewing puff adder. Or because he is a normal, reasonable human and I am the whore of Babylon. Or maybe somewhere between those poles.

It has been surprisingly painful. The type of painful I didn't even know I could still feel at my Advanced Age.

Half the problem IS my Advanced AgeTM (a woman in my class at the gym today said "You're still in your 30's, right?" and I wanted to give her a big sloppy kiss).

The Evil Chimp Voices of Doom awaken me at 3 a.m. to tell me what a whackjob failure at life I am and that I should have gotten my love life solved by now.

"You FAILED at ANOTHER relationship. What is wrong with you? You're not getting any younger, you know. You're so weird that no one will ever want to date you. And you're old and ugly to boot. You're going to end up living in a cardboard box with 17 cats."

But on the other hand, the good thing about being somewhat older and wiser is that now I can say "Oh, it's just Evil Chimp Voices of Doom again. It must be about 3 a.m."

Then to shut the Chimps up, I go through the alphabetical listing of AKC dog breeds (Affenpinscher, Afghan Hound, Airedale, Akita...) until I fall asleep, usually somewhere between the Chihuahua and the Doberman.

Shut up. It works for me and I never have to take sleeping pills.

I guess I got off on a tangent there, didn't I? Sorry. I'm not avoiding the subject of my painful breakup that made me feel like I was walking around with a chest full of broken glass. I'm not, I'm not.

I'm better now, anyway. I'm alive, awake, alert, enthusiastic and ready to go out and start dating some nice guys. Oh, yes, because there is nothing I love more than dating. Except for slamming my finger in the trunk lid as hard as I can.

You KNEW I'd have that go-getter spirit, didn't you? Some things never change. ZING!

11 April 2007

How my day went

What did I do today?

Got up.

Went to work.

Had lunch with my mom.

And I bought one of these

It may not be a Stunt Kia, like Chantel has, but like it a lot. I think I am going to call it "The BlueMobile." It is a 2007 Honda Fit, my first new car ever. (I know buying a new car is stupid. Depreciation blah blah blah. So sue me.)

Here I feel I must say "Squee!"

Dog Lesson #1

Dogs are like people. They like to do what they are good at.

My dog is good at catching things out of the air.
Running after small moving things.
Digging after small animals.

These things make her tail wag.

What makes your tail wag?

08 April 2007

Now from statland

Yes, folks, apparently this IS the Official Blog of Pissing Your Pants, according to my last 20 search stats:

funny peeing in your pants stories
embarrassing pee your pants stories
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peeing in my pants stories
pms 32 red
i am peeing my pants
wetting my pants and peeing
peeing my pants stories
cyber boobs
red stapler
fiesta 1st cumpleaƃ±os
wet my pants
tanqueray and tonic
had to pee and wet my pants
the best margaritas ever
ventura thanksgiving
parade float chicken wire
apostrophe liberation front
garbage disposal clogged with sweet potato skins
but why lie
pee in pant

I am not sure that THIS is what I wanted to be famous on the internets for.

Notes on Easter

Dear Easter Celebrants:

If you are going to have a sunrise service at the park on the hill and you are going to amplify the music so it can be heard all over town, can you please sing in tune?

I know Jesus is the Lamb of God, but truly you do not have to try and imitate the way sheep sound when you bleat "Hosanna, hosanna" at 6:30 a.m.

Thank you
Sue, who goes to a 10 a.m. service like a regular heathen


And it it even proper to call it "sunrise service" when we have been sitting here in the fog for 10 days?


Yes, having 10 days without sunshine is enough to make you a little buggy. My folks and I drove about 15 miles inland to Ojai looking for sun yesterday, but it was gloomy up there, too.


I hope you all have a lovely Easter. Remember, there is a one Cadbury egg per year limit. This means you.
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