11 March 2009

Just lose it

So then.

I had to work last night. I got to interview Rainn Wilson of "The Office," which sounds a lot more interesting than it was, given that he had fasted all day and was tired and punchy and ADD and I was tired and had talked to about 20 people who had stories so much more amazing and compelling than his that I was a little worn out by then, so we both sort of bored each other for 4 minutes before jumping up, relieved to be done.


I had told the folks at least three times that I was not coming by their house after work because I had to go to my other job.

At 6 pm I got a call from my dad asking where I was. They were worried.

Crap. I reassured him and told him I would not be coming by in the morning, either, because I was going to work at home.

This morning at 7:45 I got a call from dad.

"Are you sleeping?"

"No, Dad, I'm working."

"Where are you?"

They were worried because I didn't come by. Thus, I learned my lesson. When I deviate from my regular sched, no matter HOW many times or how recently I tell them, I MUST write it on the calendar. My bad.

Today I picked Dad up at 4 and took him to see his tax preparer. We rode downtown and back, chatting.

When I got back to the house, I started talking to Mom.

"....that's what the home health care lady did yesterday," Mom said in the middle of something.

"What home health care lady?" I asked.

"The one that came yesterday," she said, as if that were a perfectly normal occurrence.

"There was a lady here yesterday?" I said.

"Oh, there were lots of people here yesterday," Mom answered. "Firemen, paramedics, ambulance..."

"WHAT?" I asked.

Apparently Mom's new meds had disagreed with her. She hadn't been sleeping and sometime on Wednesday, someone (I still don't know who) called 911 because Mom was feverish and disoriented. She was assessed and refused to go to the hospital.

She doesn't know where the home health care lady came from or who sent her. Neither does Dad.

I tried to pry details from her, but Mom just waved her hands around and insisted I go get some Burger King for dinner for her and dad.

When I got back from BK, I sat at the table as they dove into their hamburgers.

"Why did no one tell me what happened?" I asked.

"Well, we tried," Mom said. "Dad called you last night and this morning but you were busy and I tried to call you this afternoon and you didn't answer."

"Did you leave a message?" I asked. I had not heard the phone ring but maybe I was in the middle of a call?

"Oh no, there was no message, just one ring, and a click, so I figured you did not want to be bothered since you wouldn't answer" my mom said.

I do not generally speak sharply to my mom. Oh, maybe about once every...oh 47 years. But oh man, I lost it.

"LOOK," I said. (If I am mad, you can count on me to say "Look.") "Dad called me last night and didn't mention that you were sick. He called me this morning and didn't mention it. He and I spent half an hour in the car and he did not say a word. And you did NOT leave a message, so how was I to know what was going on? No one told me anything and that is SO wrong and SO unfair and I need to know what is going on because I love you and I would drop ANYTHING, anything if you needed me and you should know that by now!"

Do I need to mention I was sob-yelling by then? Gah.

Yeah, I was mad. And I was offended. And at the same time I understood that they don't have the capacity that they once had.

But the point I was really trying to impress on them, and I think I was successful - was that they really, really need to tell me what is going on and not pussyfoot around.

This elderly parents thing is as much fun as a barrel of monkeys. Face-tearing, testicle-mauling monkeys.

I have a knot in the neck the size of a Cadbury egg. And my teeth hurt from grinding them. So I am going to listen to some old skool Eminem and go to my happy place - while shouting "Aaah-aaah-aaah!"

I Am Bossy with the Stapler

Oops - time for a new photo!

The effortlessly beautiful Georgia of I Am Bossy.

08 March 2009

My First Period Story

My dear friends Suzanne and Alex Elliott had a brilliant idea last year: let's publish an anthology of first menstruation stories!

As soon as they asked for entries, I got busy writing. Unfortunately, the idea fell by the wayside. Go read Suzanne's explanation here:

Here is Suzanne with the iconic Swingline (hint hint) Stapler at BlogHer 08:
Suzanne of CUSS and other rants

So since my story won't be published in an anthology, I am going to share it with you here, because blogging is all about TMI.

Grace, beauty and polyester surround her.

I did not have a glorious entrance into womanhood but that wasn’t really a surprise, given what a weird child I had been up to that point.

I had always been quirky. For one, I was born with a loathing for most people. I spent most of my time trying to get away from the curse that was other humans. My parents, my four older siblings and I lived in a tiny house (less than 1000 square feet), so to escape, my favorite hiding place was in the stuffy hall closet with the spare blankets. I would drag my crayons and coloring books in there and, forgoing the coloring books, write on the walls until someone discovered me, when I would deny that the rainbow-colored scrawls were my handiwork, even after I learned to write my name.

“Who wrote that?” my mom would ask.

“I dunno,” I would say.

“What does it say?”


“Did you write that?”


I am sure that my mom then thought “Gosh, maybe I should have been better about remembering to take those prenatal vitamins.”

When it came time to go to school, I found the children distressingly loud, annoying and disgusting. In second grade, I was stuck sitting at a little table across from a boy named Scot. He had a sinus problem and his tiny chapped red nose was perpetually wreathed in dried green boogers, earning him the inevitable nickname “Scot the Snot.” I tried without success to keep my eyes on the rough pages of my workbook and to not look up at him, but I failed again and again, drawn by the horror.

My favorite place on campus was the corner of the playground closest to my house, where I would stand, leaning my forehead on the chain-link fence, rocking back and forth and chanting “I want to go home. I want to go home.” And I wondered why I wasn’t popular.

I made my wish to go home come true by suffering frequent and mysterious ailments – a tummy ache, a headache, dizzy spells – symptoms that all disappeared 15 minutes after my mother picked me up. I really don’t think she minded my “sick days” much because we always liked to hang out together and watch "Match Game."

I did have friends in grammar school, but they were never the popular kids. They were the quirky, overly bright kids like Eric Osterlee, who wore bow ties and suspenders with brown plaid high-water pants and who took French lessons after school.

I never wondered why, when Eric and I hung around together on the playground (never playing games, mind you, just standing there by the mock orange bushes) we were always alone. Looking back I can see the reason – none of the other children wanted to be contaminated with our particular form of weird-kid cooties.

One day in fifth grade, our class was separated by gender and sent to different rooms for the presentation of “Your Changing Body,” a shaky, well-worn film shown with slightly out-of-synch sound.

I was already desperately curious about sex but no one would ever talk to me about it.

I took refuge in books. My mom had bought an entire Funk and Wagnall’s Encyclopedia, one thick $1.98 volume at a time during a weekly grocery store promotion. I combed the books for any shred of information I could glean about the deed. The volumes were disappointingly light on smut, but through careful, persistent reading, I found out about snake sex, fish sex, and any other type of procreative activity I could find mention of.

The result of this extracurricular studying was that I had never been quite sure whether humans might have cloaca like snakes, or if they perhaps deposited eggs in coral reefs. Watching the movie made it all perfectly clear – women had a bulls-head shaped thingy where eggs bounced around like a pinball machine, causing salmon to swim upstream. Or at least that’s what the movie made it seem like.

After the film it became apparent that some – or at least one – of the girls in my class already had gotten her period. She didn’t SAY she had gotten it, but it was obvious from Millie Richardson’s enthusiastic hand-waving during question and answer time that she was privy to some things the rest of us didn’t know about.

“How often should you change your pad?” asked Miss Clarkson, reading off a 3x5 card.

“Oh, oh, I know!” squealed Millie. “At least every four hours.”

Terri Evans and I glanced meaningfully at each other. Yep. Millie had IT. We wrinkled our noses and whispered “Eeeew.”

I finally got IT several years later when I was at sleep-away camp.

As a child, I was loathe to spend time away from my family. I hated sleepovers and going to relatives’ houses. I just wanted to be home, so it seems especially strange and ironic that, during one of the very few times I slept away from our house, I would finally get my first period.

At the time, not knowing what PMS was, it felt like a bad dream. Girl Scout camp was supposed to be about having fun with 60 other girls, but instead I was prickling with moody bitchiness, fighting with my best friend Jan and bursting into tears at odd times.

I remember shoving Jan hard in the back when she wouldn’t shut up on the nature walk to the leaning Indian tree, a tree that was the most sacred and special spot in all of Camp Tecoya and as such, was entitled to our respectful silence as we approached. Our camp counselor, a stocky little redhead whose camp name was “Juniper” had told us as much and in my hormone-induced state, I was going to enforce that rule even if it meant pushing my best pal off the trail into the underbrush, because I was all about the sacred and special.

About seven days into my 12-day camp, I found blood in my underwear. I was moderately horrified but far too embarrassed to seek help. I had my period! What would all those women counselors or the nurse think? It was unimaginable to me that I should ask them for a tampon or pad. What would they say?

I toughed it out, bleeding and aching and avoiding swimming, praying the blood didn’t soak through my clothes. When I got home, I dumped all my clothes in the laundry.

“Um, honey, did you...get your period at camp?” my mom asked when she saw.

“Yeah,” I said, ducking my head, my heart pounding.

“Well, you shouldn’t put bloody clothes in the wash without rinsing them first,” she said. “It can get all over everything. Oh, and there are pads in the bathroom.”

So that was it. My initiation into womanhood. This not-so-special moment in the laundry room began my trip from being a cute little kid to being an adult, a trip which was across a long, dangerous bridge, and that bridge was made of Ugly.

It wasn’t just the lank, greasy hair and erupting multicolored facial bumps and the blotches that provided me hours of entertainment as I picked at them while locked in the big bathroom off the hallway, the one that had a nice shelf in front of the mirror where I could lean my elbows so my arms didn’t get tired while I squeezed and poked.

It was the other stuff, the terrible, stupid choices I made. I know you can’t tell teenagers anything, but I’m still a bit peeved that no one bothered to stop me from heading off to Dork Central - but they didn’t, and I suffered, and so I became a writer. Naturally.

First, there was the matter of my glasses. I couldn’t see the chalkboard in pre-algebra, even though I sat squinting in the very front row. I was always telling the teacher that he didn’t write big enough. After months of this, someone finally got the bright idea to take me for an eye exam.

The verdict: damn near blind. No wonder I couldn’t see the board: my vision was about 20:160.

Back in those days, the early-mid 1970’s, contact lenses were an expensive and fussy matter, so glasses were prescribed. My mother made the mistake of letting me choose my own frames. I picked some copper-colored wire octagons with little divots chipped into the metal, so there would be sparkly dots around the edges. I think I was going for a John Lennon look, but my love of bling made me end up looking more like Crazy Aunt Florence.

The optician was cruel, too. He talked me into “the latest thing,” which, at that time, was self-darkening lenses. The advertised benefit was that you didn’t need a pair of sunglasses in addition to your indoor specs – as you went outside, your clear glasses would magically darken, and when you came back inside, poof, the darkness was gone!

That was the theory. In reality, poof, the darkness was not gone. There is something about slightly grey-tinted lenses that adds a distinctly seedy air to even the most floppy limbed, innocent law-abiding 13 year-old. My glasses made me look exactly like Crazy Aunt Florence if Crazy Aunt Florence was the type who sold stolen prescription medications out of the trunk of her car.

Then there was polyester. After years of having had to iron cotton clothing, my mother fell deeply, passionately in love with double-knit polyester and demanded that all of our clothing be made out of the miracle fabric.

“It never needs ironing!” she would crow, oblivious to its other drawbacks. It was hot in summer, cold in winter, attracted grease stains like a watermelon draws ants at a picnic and smelled like a gym locker room if you dared to sweat on it, which, as an adolescent who had not yet discovered anti-perspirant, I was all too prone to do.

So, in eighth grade, my whole wardrobe consisted of polyester, and because my mother let me shop alone, (“The music in those stores hurts my ears, she said) my annual back-to-school shopping trip to Montgomery Wards Juniors Department netted me an armload of green double-knit clothes.

I had thought of this on my own: I would only choose clothes that matched, so I could swap them around at will. Genius. Not having received the memo about variety being the spice of life, every single article – every last one -- was green or some combination of green and white.

The problem with my fantastic plan was that I look like death in green. The natural undertone in my skin is blue, so a nice dark forest green makes me look as if I have just been released from the hospital following a life-threatening illness.

So to sum it up – greasy hair, zits, perp-walk/Crazy Lady glasses, and an eerie, sick cast to my skin. It all added up to make quite the Teen Dork package.

My other tormentor was The Pad. Back then, menstrual technology wasn’t what it is today, with the ultra-absorbent, ultra-thin pads with wings and comforts developed by teams of scientists.

No. Back then, the pad was a bulky, square-cornered mattressy thing that was wide enough to cause a teenage girl to walk like a lifelong cowboy.

Today, those type of pads no longer exist, except of course in restroom vending machines, which must all be supplied by the same place, a giant New Jersey warehouse filled with pads that have been stockpiled since the Nixon era.

Despite being thick as a John Grisham paperback, those pads couldn’t absorb even a moderate amount of menstrual blood. They were always leaking. The side effect of this was that, in any given week, a quarter of the girls at my junior high walked around with their sweaters tied around their waists.

I had several memorable pad blowouts. The worst was the day I chose to wear my green and white checkered (oh, God yes, checkered) polyester bell-bottoms. Some time during English class, I felt it. The leak.

Half of me wanted to be excused to go to the restroom to take care of it. The other half was petrified that it had already soaked through my pants, and that, by standing up to leave in the middle of class, everyone would see. Because, of course, as a teen I knew that everyone was looking right at me at ALL TIMES.

I didn’t hear a word that my teacher, Mrs. Hemmings, said because my heart was booming in my ears as I focused on the disaster that happening below my waist. At the end of class, I did a simultaneous stand-and-sweater-wrap, snatching up my books.

I was completely mortified to look down and see that there was a lot of blood streaking the plastic desk chair. I have had lots of humiliating moments since, but I think the lack of perspective you have as a teen makes those traumas so much more keenly felt and remembered.

That was my Worst Moment Ever. I felt like I was in the prom scene of the movie Carrie when she was standing there screaming, drenched in buckets of blood from head to toe.

Looking back from an older and wiser age, I don’t even think anyone else noticed anything was wrong.

Because I was such an embarrassed dork, I didn’t even think to call my mom to help me. That would have meant using the phone, and if I did that someone might hear me. So instead I walked around with my sweater tied around me and my books held awkwardly in front of me all day at below waist level, including in the cafeteria during lunch.

When I got home that afternoon, I did not rinse out my green and white checked pants. Instead, I balled them up with their shameful stain, wrapped them in paper, stuck them at the bottom of my trash can and covered up the evidence.

It was a horrible, horrible day in my life history. But one thing good came out of it. I got rid of those ugly pants.

The red Swingline stapler with Lindsay Ferrier of Suburban Turmoil - look, pretty!

Kizzbeth suggested I post a red stapler photo a day until I realize my dream of getting Acco Swingline to send me to BlogHer 09 in Chicago.

Great idea! So without further ado, here is the woman who gave me this idea: Lindsay Ferrier of Suburban Turmoil.

Lindsay Ferrier of Suburban Turmoil is not a blogger
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