18 April 2008

You asked for it

Ok, another joke, this time with an atheist theme:

An atheist was hiking through the forest when suddenly he came upon the biggest grizzly bear he had ever seen.

He panicked and started running, with the grizzly bear hot on his heels.

Before he knew what he was doing, he started to pray. "Dear God," he said, "You know I have been an atheist my whole life and I think it might be a little late to change me into a religious man. But can you do me a favor and persuade this giant, hungry bear to act like a Christian?"

Instantly the forest filled with light and the bear stopped his chase. The man breathed a sigh of relief.

Then the bear fell down on his knees, clasped his front paws, and said "Dear Lord, for this meal which I am about to receive, make me truly thankful."

17 April 2008

In honor of Passover, an Old Testament joke

God speaks to Moses, saying "I have some good news and some bad news."

Moses says "Tell me!"

God says, "Well the good news is that I am going to allow you to lead your people out of slavery. You will part the Red Sea with the Egyptians on your heels, allowing your people to cross safely while your enemies are crushed behind you."

Moses says, "Oh, my Lord, that is the best news you could ever give me. What is the bad news?"

God answers, "The bad news is that you'll need to prepare an environmental impact report first."

Ba-dum-BUM. Thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiters.

16 April 2008

Sick of myself? I LOVE myself!

It was a simple Twitter comment by my twit-friend sixuntilme:
"Fiance leaves tonight for an out-of-state shoot. I have early morning appointment. I sense tomorrow will be grumpy."

Stopped me in my tracks.

All of a suddenly (that's a phrase first written by Jeff, a high-school friend in a story in our creative writing class) I realized something: I can't IMAGINE being grumpy because someone left.

Someone leaving is GOOD. Someone leaving means I get to be ALONE, which is great for me.

My ex- used to travel about 15 days a month on business. No problem. More time alone! I was always chagrined when he came home.

Oh, God, I'm even less normal than I pretend to be. I am a major freaking fracking freak. No wonder I haven't even considered dating lately. As Garbo said "I vant to be left alone." That is so weird, isn't it?

15 April 2008

Do you ever get sick of yourself?

I think I'm having a midlife crisis. I feel stuck. There are so many things I want to change about myself but for some reason I don't change them.

I bore myself.
I frustrate myself.
I am mad at myself.

Of course some of it is the weight, but there are other things, too. My crabbiness. My messiness. My laziness, my lack of ambition or focus.

I usually am not down with the Apostle Paul since he was such an annoying busybody, but this I can relate to: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

2000 years later, I totally get what he was saying.

But on the other hand, it is Commenter Appreciation Day. Honestly, you people make my life worth living. People like Suzanne and Des and even The Angel Apologist. Especially my feed subscribers. 95 of y'all on bloglines - I know that is like a pimple on Dooce's ass, but it is HUGE and happy to me. Bless you all. Thank you. You rock, and I hope you win the lotto but are the good happy kind of lotto winners, not the kind who bankrupt themselves in the first year by giving money to their ungrateful cousins and then spend the rest of their lives in abject misery.

13 April 2008

They are called "Games" for a reason

The next person who suggests boycotting the Olympics gets to play catch at U.S. Track and Field shot put practice, ok?

Just because China is run by a bunch of avaricious, repressive shitheads does not mean that anyone should boycott the games, and here's why:

They are not China's games. The host country has about as much to do with what the Olympics are about as the convention center does to the Consumer Electronics Show.

The Olympic games belong to the athletes of the world, to people who devote themselves to something outside of politics and everyday affairs.

The Olympics have a magic. Don't ask me why, but somehow watching Michael Johnson win the 200m sprint at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics is as inspiring to me as anything Mother Teresa ever did. It's not logical. It just makes my heart well up to see someone do something so perfectly, so amazingly.

The United States boycotting the 1980 Moscow Games was one of the stupidest foreign policy decisions ever (though when Russia boycotted our summer games in Los Angeles in 1984, it WAS pretty cool to watch Team USA win damn near everything). The athletes who couldn't go to Moscow were robbed, and most of them still hurt over missing their chance that year.

If you want to free Tibet or end Chinese repression, wave a sign, march, write a letter, take some action. But leave the Olympics alone.

The wisdom of age

My dog spent the night at my parents' house because I was out late.

When Goldie sleeps, she dreams and dreams big. Often she sleeps with her eyes open and it looks very, very freaky.

"I got up to go to the bathroom," my mom said, "And she was lying there with her legs stretched straight as a board and her eyes wide open. I thought she might be dead, but I didn't want to go over and touch her in case she was just sleeping. I figured, well, if she's dead, she will still be here in the morning."

That's what you get for being 80-something -- perspective. Why lose sleep over something that you can deal with the next day?
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