Don't mess

Public service announcement: Those decorative chenilley-velvety lap blankets? Should not go in the laundry:


They especially should not go in the laundry with your fuzzy pink slippers.

It was a lap-robesplosion. It was like it had been run through a shredder instead of a wash machine. Good thing I had bought it for $3 at a thrift store.

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I was in a hurry to drop Goldie off so the folks could watch her while I went to the gym.

Yes, I KNOW I can leave the dog home alone for 2 hours, but the dog does not know I can leave the dog alone for 2 hours. When I start getting ready to go, she stands out by the car and urges me to hurry up so she can go see the Beloved Grandparents.

I pulled up to the house and found the driveway fully blocked by a black Toyota truck. Not just the butt-end sticking a foot into the driveway, no - this was like someone thought the driveway was a real parking spot.

I saw the mass of people kitty-corner at a yard sale. I marched myself across the street.

"Does someone here have a black Toyota pickup?" I asked.

This lady separated herself from the crowd and I made this "move it on out" kind of gesture because I really didn't want to talk to someone so rude and stupid.

"Oooh, I didn't realize I was parked so far back," she said.

"Right," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Anyway, you could have parked somewhere else."

"What?" I yelled.

"I was only going to be a minute, you could have parked somewhere else."

"Don't be a rude idiot," I said.

My dad was slowly making his way out front. He is, after all, legally blind.

"What's going on?" he asked.

The woman was in the truck moving it forward, windows down.

"Some dumb bitch was parked blocking the driveway," I yelled.

"Hey!" she yelped as Dad laughed and I walked in the house.

A note of explanation. I don't lose my temper in public very often. I never swear in front of my parents. But there is a first time for everything. Fortunately Dad thought it was hilarious. He chuckled for an hour and made me repeat the story twice. I actually think he was kind of proud of me.

A second note: I got my period that afternoon. Which explains a lot.

Coincidence?

Once upon a time, my children, I rented a room in a house (that in itself is a story for another time).

In that time, great rains came. It rained every day and every night for 28 straight days.

Those of us who lived in the house knew the roof had some leaks, but we could not get the roof fixed because every roofer for 100 miles was busy patching leaks.

At this time of my life, I showered every night right before bed.

One night I lay on the couch thinking "I gotta go take a shower."

It got later and later, but I was struck by such a great fatigue that I felt like I couldn't get up.

It was very strange. I felt like a giant hand was pressing down on me, keeping me prone on the couch, unable to move.

I kept saying to myself "I HAVE to get up. I have to take a shower," but I could not move.

Suddenly there was a loud noise. Crashing. Breaking.

All four of us leapt up to see what had happened. The sound had come from the bathroom and we ran in there to look.

The floor was covered with a foot of sopping wet, heavy insulation and sheet rock. The bathtub was completely full of it. With the fallen, sodden material and the sheet rock, it weighed tons. Anyone who had been in the bathroom at the time it came crashing down would have been killed or, at very least, badly hurt.

When I look back I wonder what hand was pressing me down on the couch last night, and why.

Dog's Life

Schmutzie commented the other day that she likes it when I post photos of Goldie, because she always looks so happy.

Let us delve into what it is like to be Miss Goldie. Thus, her daily schedule:

5:15 Awaken Suebob
5:30 Awaken Suebob more forcefully, get scratched and praised for 5 minutes
5:40 Go outside to survey the yard, chase birds and check for evidence of cats. Eat cat poop.
5:45 Go back to sleep on couch

6:15 Sleep on bed while Suebob takes a shower in order to keep an eye on her
6:25 Get scratched on the belly
6:45 Go outside, wait by car
6:50 Come back in, sigh, and look at Suebob meaningfully - hurry up!
6:52 CAR RIDE CAR RIDE
7:05 Arrive at grandparents
7:07 First snack of the day
7:15 Chase birds
7:20 Go back to sleep
7:45-9:00 Demand to be let in and out to amuse self with grandparents
9:30 Sit on patio with grandparents, get scratched and treats
9:45 Chase birds in the backyard
9:50 Sleep on grass after rolling around for a while
11:30 Beg for food at lunch
11:45 Dog food
12:00 Naptime
2:30 Awake for snacks and Judge Judy
3:00 More nap
3:15 Walk with grandpa
3:40 A snack might be good
3:45 Sleep
5:05 SUEBOB!! OMG SHE CAME HOME!
5:07 Play catch in back yard
5:30 CAR RIDE! CAR RIDE!
6:00 HOME! HOME!
6:05 Torment dogs next door through the fence
6:15 Snack
6:20 Tired. Nap.
7:00 WALKIES!!!!!!

8:00 Home. Drink 1 gallon of water. Cool off under open window.
8:10 Sleep
8:30 Perhaps a bite to eat
8:40 Sleep on couch

I have no idea why she always looks happy in photos. Right.

Come with me...to the sea

San Miguel Island

One of the items on my bucket list is "Visit all 7 Channel Islands," which is going to be a really good trick. Two of the islands are super-secret military bases, or so says my friend Ish, who works on San Nicholas Island.

He says he absolutely cannot tell me what happens on the island, lest we both be spirited away to a CIA black site and submitted to the Comfy Chair treatment. So I may have to shave my head and disguise myself as a Marine to sneak on, or something.

But I have high hopes, so still I forge ahead. I have had two memorable trips to two Channel Islands - Anacapa (25 years ago, with my crazy boyfriend Mr. Mojo) and Santa Rosa where I found the first shreds of solace after my sister's death two years ago.

This weekend I visited my third island in Channel Islands National Park, San Miguel, on an Island Packers trip.


Beach at Cuyler Harbor

San Miguel is the furthest island out, a windswept little place where thousands of birds nest and seals rest on the warm white velvet sands.


Elephant Seal

And if you think the ISLAND is pretty, you should have seen the boat's crew. They were truly something to bring a tear to the most jaded eye.

There I was, a large wrinkly hulk of a human dressed in 7 layers of warm clothing, surrounded by a crew made up of people who have been banned from Abercrombie and Fitch ads because they would humiliate the other models.

Ok, I made that up, but really, it was like a shipload of freakishly mutant gorgeous people who gracefully danced around the ship in bare feet and shorts like it was their own seagoing jungle gym.


The woman on the left and the guys in blue are crew members. The guy with the big hat is a really nice guy who goes out to the islands all the time.

And then there was me:


I also made some new friends. Let me introduce them:

And you know? I can live with that.

Lots more photos in my Flickr set.

7th Goldieversary

I have had Goldie for 7 fun years.


We have walked at least 5,000 miles together. Chased 3,000 birds. Caught 50 lizards, five gophers and one very mad rat. Been through one major and three minor surgeries. Rattlesnake bite. Foxtail in the eye and one in the ear. She has dragged me through bushes, into the ocean, over fences. She is an adventuresome dog and I am her enabler.

And as I say to her every day, I still think she is "the greatest dog in the world."