24 January 2007

Oh no. Not that.

Mr Stapler said that, by having so many readers (dozens!) I am bound to change my writing because I can feel my audience listening. That may be somewhat true, but you know what is really changing the way I behave?

Becoming a church board member. Who knew that getting elected to the board would make me self-conscious about my behavior? I am in grave danger of becoming a real Church Lady. I feel like I can't flip people off when I drive anymore, for one.

I mean, what if the idiot drivers happen into my church and see my nametag and go, "You're a board member? You're the bitch that flipped me off one morning as you tried to merge onto the freeway!"

The other day I saw a headline that struck terror into my heart.

"Former Church Official Indicted in Scandal."

I thought "Oh crap. Whatever I do, from now on I will either be a Present Church Official or a Former Church Official."

I don't tend to be scandal-prone, usually, but you never know. Weirder things have happened.

I just really hope I'm never in a news story with "Former Church Official" in the headline.


Anonymous said...

Just hanging with me is bound to get you in dutch.

QT said...

Mmm -yes, that is a quandry. I am not a church official, just a financial advisor, and I try to behave myself lest one of my 80-yr-old clients comes in and says "I saw you having a margarita at lunch...."

Bamboo Lemur Boys Are Mean To Their Girls said...

i think it's absolutely essential that you read a headline like that of yourself.

let's concoct a plan to ensure it. see, it's not that a scandal happens that's the problem, it's the scandal itself, it needs to be amazing. Something like, church official gets caught performing at lesbian sex party. not church official gets caught flipping off driver. just make sure your scandals are worthy of print.

love you

Anonymous said...

The elderly pole dancing routine ought to do the trick, eh?

meno said...

"Former Church Official Wins the Lottery"
"Former Church Official caught in Sex Scandal with 6 Hollywood Hunks"
"Former Church Official Slaps Britney"

Come on, it might be fun!

Marcia said...

I completely understand your flip-off freak-out: my dad is a politician, and when I'm in my home town, I drive like an angel so that I'm not recognized as the aggressive-driving, obscene-gesturing, bitchy politician's daughter that I am.

lizgwiz said...

Well, maybe that explains why they're FORMER church officials, huh? Hee.

MrsFortune said...

What about "Former Church Official wins $240 Million powerball jackpot"? That one might be okay ... (oh wait, someone already said that! dang)

"Former Church Official Lands Book Deal Based on Blog"

"Former Church Official Becomes First Person to Spontaneously Combust" - oh wait, not that ...

Anonymous said...

Stick with being zany. And why is he joking about being Dutch?

Anonymous said...

I think you may be selling that whole "Former Church Official" idea short. It could be really fun doing something that results in that prefacing a headline. But I do know what you mean about flipping people off. I was president of a mother's club for a year and that whole year I was so well-behaved in public because I knew almost every SAHM in the south end of town and behind the limo tint of every crappily-driven Escalade and Navigator was a possible club member. Yikes!

SUEB0B said...

Laura - He IS Dutch! Scary!

Anonymous said...

I've been out of town, so I'm just now catching up on all my blog reading...wanted to comment on this.

My boyfriend is (totally unlike me) a big church-goer. He said one reason he was attracted to me is because I'm so non-judgmental of people and he can feel ok being himself around me. Most everyone else in his life (read: people he knows from church) are more closed-minded and judgey about everything.

Interesting how a lot of those who follow Jesus so closely are so unlike him, huh? I always find that fascinating.

(It's a very Oklahoma thing, btw...I don't believe most Christians are that way!)

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