12 October 2008

An open letter to the toilet paper manufacturers of America

Look, it isn't that hard. Just make me some reasonably soft butt paper, wrap it up in plastic, and put it on the shelf.

But noooo...look
Of course this will become a blog post.

First there were rolls. Then there was extra strong double thick. Then there were double rolls. Now, behold the Mega Roll that is MORE than the double roll. Now 12 rolls = 32 rolls, which I guess means each roll is 2.5x the size of a regular roll.

But I don't believe you. I'm not going to unwind the freaking thing to find out, but I didn't believe you on the double roll. I'm sure it lasts longer than the single roll, but how much longer?

I dunno. I haven't been OCD enough to keep a log (in a manner of speaking) of how much toilet paper I use vs. the time the roll lasts. So in my usual suspicious consumer manner, I simply choose to believe that you, Buttwipe Mfrs of America, are lying to me. I mean, why wouldn't you? You KNOW I'm not going to check.

I could probably check the square inches per roll and calculate the price per square foot but you know what? I hate math and I am certainly not going to do it while standing in the TP aisle.

In this baffling and often perverse world, I just don't need this aggravation. I have a life! (Apparently not enough of a life to stop writing posts like this, but still).

Just call them rolls and stop tormenting me, okay? It's the least you can do for a poor beleagured consumer, especially since I just spent $3.99 on a freaking loaf of bread.


LittlePea said...

Heehee! Can I sign my name on this letter too?

Suzanne said...

Damn it. Now I am going to start tracking how long it takes to use a roll of TP. (Last week would've been perfect coz husband was gone for work...)

super des said...

Those big rolls don't even fit on the holder.

meno said...

I hold out for the Ultra roll. Only has to be replaced once a year.

What next? A roll too big to fit in the bathroom? You need to hang it outside the window, in its own bedroom?

Sister Wolf said...

I knew a girl whose husband was so frugal (cheap) that he scolded her for using too much toilet paper. He took to standing outside the bathroom to try to monitor her toilet paper use. He once got so angry that he imitated the sound of her reckless unrolling: "Vroom Vroom!" he shouted through the door.

Hahaha! This is a true story!

QT said...

I couldn't agree with you more on this vital topic.

thailandchani said...

Yes, the marketing tricks do get tiring! I never notice how much I use. When it's gone, I buy more. LOL


German Shepherd Mom said...

I prefer the regular rolls. That way, when my cats decide to shred the tp, I don't lose as much at any one time. Its very sad to put a brand new mega roll on the holder only to discover a few hours later that its been pulled down and clawed/chewed into little pieces.

Anonymous said...

Holy Cow, was this Golden Bread?

Major Bedhead said...

Those Scott rolls? Totally bigger than the original. How do I know? Toddler = closed bathroom door + new roll of TP = hour with a pipe snake.

Glennis said...

Did you see that someone is marketing 3-ply toilet paper? Marketing it as a luxurious life-style choice?

Issa said...

I just want one that replaces itself on the holder, cause no one but me seems capable of that around here.

J said...

My problem with these fuckers is that the MEGA roll doesn't fit properly in the roller/dispenser in our old condo. Damn, so I'm supposed to fill in a hole in the wall and get a free standing one, just because these buttheads decided to make bigger rolls??? Grrr.

Sorry, guess you hit a (pathetic) nerve there.

Kristin said...

Count me in... I personally get a little squicked out with those MEGA rolls... I mean, damn!

PG said...

YES! Why are issues like this being ignored by the candidates?! I am sure Sarah Palin could actually speak somewhat coherently on this topic!

SUEB0B said...

Ms Little Pea - I am planning a march, too.

Suzanne - Can't wait for your report!

Des, J.- I had not thought of that. I have this old school bent metal thing so it doesn't matter.

Meno - LOL bathroom paper room addition

Sister Wolf - that is a great story. Vroom! I had some roommates that could have used that treatment.

QT, Kristin - Thank you for your support.

Chani - because you are sensible and living in the moment, that's why.

Janine, Major Bedhead - two excellent reasons for regular rolls.

Jerri Ann - it was Oroweat Health Nut bread at Vons. And it was ON SALE from $4.29. I am breaking out my bread recipes, no joke.

G - well, that is pretty luxurious but I'd rather have champage.

Issa - You and the rest of the world's women

PG - I like to cover the difficult issues.

Anonymous said...

I don't mean to get all elitist, Brie eating liberal on you, Suebobdollin, but I am one of those kids who took off with a passport and hung out on topless beaches in Europe while other American women far more patriotic than me stayed in their hometowns and worked, married Joe Sixpack and bred many children with said redneck.

ANYWAY, I just want to say that our toilet paper is softer and more durable than the TP in Europe, most especially in the United Kingdom.

So you stop hatin' on American, ya here?

Anonymous said...

In 1964 I took a trip to Europe. Back then Europe was considered to be part of the 3rd world by many - even thought the recovery from WWII was done. I had a load of shots :(.
Anyway one of the travel books had this long section about all of the horrible European TP. The ruff stuff, the wax paper stuff, the super thin stuff - I wish I had a copy - it was hilarious - and as I recall not true.

Anonymous said...

I can tolerate the giant rolls. What I can't tolerate is that the paper is so thick, half the time you can't flush the stuff! I made the mistake of buying Charmin Extra Strong once. I was using the plunger for weeks. Stupid toilet paper!

Back to top