30 December 2008

Blame it on Bonaduce

I was relaxing in my 9th floor hotel room when I thought "Why does my room smell like a Top Sirloin?"

Now, many people might be delighted to inhale the fragrance of slabs of meat grilling over a wood fire, but not Little Miss Sensitive "All the Baby Calves Must Be Saved" Vegetarian. I walked over to my window and looked out:
The smoke vent

Right below my window, a big square vent coughed out clouds of smoke. I called the front desk and explained the problem. The woman at the desk was skeptical.

Suebob: There seems to be some sort of smoke vent right below my room.
Desk Lady: Smoke vent?
Suebob: Yes, is there some kind of steak house downstairs?
Desk Lady: Not that I am aware of.

I finally conveyed the message that I was not willing to stay in a room in a 100% non-smoking hotel where I would be breathing smoke all night. Or so I thought. Jason, the nice bellman, came up to help me.

Jason: We're moving you to 602, which is just 3 floors down.
Suebob: Is it on the other side of the hotel?
Jason: No, it is right below this room.
Suebob: Come here.

I made him look out the window and showed him the vent and explained that, if I was objecting to breathing smoke from the vent, maybe moving CLOSER would not solve my particular problem.

He got the picture and after about 10 minutes on the phone with the desk, they understood too. We headed 10 floors up to the other side of the hotel, and walked into a room that reeked of cigarette smoke.

"Uh oh," said Jason, and got on the phone. He said to the desk clerk, "This room totally smells like smoke even worse than the other one. Yeah, I know. Yeah. It was him all right."

"Isn't this a non-smoking hotel?" I said. "What happened?"

"Danny Bonaduce," said Jason. Apparently either the notorious Mr. B had spent the night in the room before, smoking his butt off, or else they just blame him for everything that goes wrong at the hotel, which is wise.

I mean, if I called to complain that the plumbing was backed up and they said "Oh, Danny Bonaduce spent the night in that room last night," I would totally believe them, wouldn't you? That will be my new life motto, I think: if something is messed up - blame it on Bonaduce!

We finally struck it rich with room #3. Same nice room, no smoke smell.

I walked over to the window, looked out and saw this:
Fire near 13th and K Streets, Sacramento Dec 30, 2008

A building about 2 blocks away was fully engulfed in flames. Fortunately it was only a block from the fire station, so trucks were on the scene within minutes and it was out quickly.

Still, what are the chances? I guess the moon phase must be in "combustion."


J said...

On the plus side, it makes a perfect blog post. :)

Do you think Danny set the fire? All signs point to yes.

Dave2 said...

Welcome to my life on the road...

mar said...

that was great!
not for you, but i enjoy the blame bonaduce. we all need a scapegoat sometimes

Anonymous said...

You were so kind not to mention the name of the hotel. I love the Blame Bonaduce idea.

Anonymous said...

A trifecta of smoke! Egads! What ARE the chances?

Project Christopher said...

Hey, at least the last fire wasn't killing baby calves (which I sure was also on the list of complaints against Mr. Bonaduce!)

Knock on wood, I've been lucky with hotels, but there will come a time I'm sure. Given that I'm a convention planner (which means hotels generally bend over to kiss my rump for more future business) I am still hopeful :)

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I'm pretty sure they would have blamed backed up plumbing on Lenny Kravitz! LOL!! I guess you haven't heard....

I think Danny set the fire just so we'd know where he was. Like a smoke signal.

Crazy stuff!! Although it would be nice to have someone to blame everything on. Maybe Bonaduce can take the blame for all that goes wrong in 2009!
(only joking!)

Hope you have a Happy (and, a very safe and smoke free) New Year's Eve!!


Kaylia Metcalfe said...

Awesome.. and yeah, what luck hee!

I love your new catch phrase... I might use it myself :)

Glennis said...

I think they expected you to say if it was Danny Bonaduce's stale cigarette smoke that would be totally fine.

Seriously, I am tickled at how people revere celebrities.

Glad you finally found a smokeless room.

Susan C said...

So much for discretion and guest privacy.

(Although life would be a lot less fun if everyone was discreet.)

Jess said...

Ooh, can we blame the economy on that rotten Bonaduce too?

Suzanne said...

Oh damn!

I had a wonderful time seeing you, and I won't blame that on Bonaduce. I will blame him for the large expanse of country that prevents me from seeing you more often, though.

Anonymous said...

That is *really* funny.

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