18 June 2009

If I Ran Things

My two favorite mind games are "If I Won the Lottery" and "If I Ran This Place."

The reason they stay mind games and not reality is that 1) I rarely play the lotto and 2) I am hopelessly incapable of being in charge of anything more complicated than lunch plans (and even then I manage to take the person with gastric reflux to Yazmeen's House of Fiery Hot Curry and the gluten-intolerant to Barb's House of Carbs).

Gaining Altitude

One of my favorite businesses in the "If I Ran This Place" game is the airlines.

If I Ran An Airline:

1) The maximum allowable size for carry-ons would be the maximum allowable size. Period. Is there an airline that enforces this rule? If there is, let me know, because I want to fly with them and only them. People have wheeled carry-ons that are big enough to pack the corpse of Seabiscuit into. My rule: If you can't carry it on, it isn't a carry-on.

2) No reclining seats. The only thing that happens when someone reclines their seat is that they are 1% more comfortable and the person behind them is 99% more cramped and rage-filled. Upright and locked, baby.

3) Speaking of babies - parents MUST be allowed to be seated with their children. I hear endless tales of parents being separated from their kids on airlines and of other people refusing to switch seats to allow the family to be reunited. What kind of stupid-ass BS is that? Buddy, you're moving. Families get to sit together. Period.

4) Speaking of jerky passengers, flight attendants have the right to perform the Duct Tape treatment on anyone at any time. Come on. You know you want them to.

5) No movies. Have you ever seen a good movie on an airplane? I rest my case. Read, sleep, or look out the window as God intended you to. You're in an airplane, flying, as men have wanted to do for millenia. Now look out and marvel. Yeesh.

Lake Powell Arizona

6) Try our new snacks. They are called "Lithium." They will ensure a nice flight for everyone.

7) We may not charge extra for overweight luggage, but may charge more for turbulence. You pay to go to Disneyland, right? Enjoy the ride!

8) Minimum seat width: the average ass width of shoppers at the Tampa Wal-Mart on a Sunday in late January. Why Tampa? I picked it because it is kind of a silly name. Why Wal-Mart? It's where America shops for value (oh, wait, that's Sears. But not anymore! Sorry, Sears. America is over there at Wal-Mart, picking up their $5 prescription.) Why late January? Because by then, the Christmas cookies have had time to sink in.

9) Minimum leg room: comfortable for the shortest player on the World Championship Lakers Basketball team. (Go LAKERZZZZZZ!) Let's just hope it isn't one of those Muggsy Boggs/Spud Webb years.

10) The barf bag would be called the "Aloha" bag. I learned this on a helicopter in Hawaii. Because the sound of someone throwing up? "A-lohhhhhh-haaaaaa."

That's all for my airline? If you ran things, how would it be?


Anonymous said...

Can I have a second snack, please? If I ran the airline, they would require some form of deodorant be worn at all times. And plague infested people? Would all be assigned seats next to the asshats who trample the frail and elderly at the gate.

I can't find my blog said...

I don't think I would add a thing!

Kizz said...

I'd just tweak the on the ground part. All the security folk would look like Johnny Depp, Craig Ferguson, Kate Moennig, Sara Ramirez, Josh Jackson, etc. so we'd all be begging for a strip search.

Lynnea said...

I'd fly Suebob Lines anytime!

If I had my say, and I'm totally going for the fantasy in my head, there would be no airlines. Transporters would be invented, tested and used all the time. Not for ridiculously mundane things like going to the grocery store (unless handicapped or something) but wouldn't that be so much better than long flights after which you cannot feel your toes because the blood is gone below your knees? Of course, your airlines would fix that...

Andrea said...

I would only add 3 things.

1. There would be no middle seat. It's window or aisle, and no one gets smushed in the middle.

2. no shared armrests. Each seat gets its own. With the Tampa Wal-Mart butt width test, there's room for double armrests for the seats. No more elbow wrestling.

3. For the wee ones, they get their own flight attendant, and their own two or three rows. Mom and Dad get a break, the kids have a great time playing games and coloring with the flight attendant assigned to them, and none of the other passengers will feel annoyed at the mere sight of a child because they know they'll be entertained and relegated to one area. The families of the children would get to sit around the Kids Seating Area so they're on hand to sooth an upset child, and the rest of the passengers have a buffer between them. Hell, make it like first class even, with a curtain between that section an the 'regular cabin' people. Especially crochety anti-kid passengers (not talking your average childless person, but those special cases who make it sport to hate kids, and we've all seen one or two of them in our lifetimes) can request seats as far from the Kids Area as they can be when they're booking their tickets, ensuring that the parents and flight attendants don't have to put up with intolerable douchebags and the kids still get to be kids without continual shushing from worried parents.

That sounds good to me!

super des said...

I agree completely.
I would also allow cameras to be used during takeoff. Seriously, it's not a radio camera. Just let me take a picture of takeoff.

Project Christopher said...


Well, not really, you've had some serious home runs since I joined the Red Stapler ride, but this one hits home.
I LOVE the "If I won the Lottery" game.
also, I agree with nearly all the airline things you listed. I'll ignore a bad movie, but often the movie is what's keeping the brat in front of me quiet.

Thanks, also, for sparking my Fiesty Friday topic... :)

Lawyerish said...

Oh man, I am so flying Red Stapler Airlines.

How about this: on designated flights, you can bring your dog on board with just a leash -- no carriers or sad air-freight crates required. Your dog can sit in your seat with you, or lay at your feet, or you can buy it the neighboring seat just like a kid. And there would be a special dog lavatory with, I don't know, a giant wee wee pad or some kind of self-cleaning lamppost/lawn in it.

Suzanne said...

I would so fly your airline. Why don't you run the world? OK, why don't the people who run things consult with you, if you'd prefer not to run it yourself?

mayberry said...

I want in on your airline. Also on Pipe Dream Air, the snacks will be delivered WITH the beverages.

meno said...

I'm with you on the movie. I also HATE it when they try to get us all to close our window so people can see the shitastic movie better. I don't want to sit in a darkened tube for 4 hours. I wanna look out the window dammit!

flurrious said...

If a seatmate tries to talk to me about religion or politics, I get an automatic upgrade to first class.

And, damn it, I want the whole can of soda.

mar said...

i hope you get to fly red stapler airlines to blogher next month.

Major Bedhead said...

What's the number to call to book a ticket?

the mystic said...

Awesome -- I would totally fly on your airplane. I always say, "when I win the lottery..." and then I have to admit that I haven't bought a ticket in like 10 years! But hey, it's important to know what one would do if one just HAPPENED to win the lottery -- it could happen!

Lucy said...


Elan Morgan said...

What is it with people reclining their seats?! I thought it was common knowledge that that was understandably rude to the person behind you, but every time I'm on a plane, the person in front of me reclines their seat ALL THE WAY. I can't even use my tray to hold a freaking coffee cup.

Glennis said...

Only aisle and window seats. No middles.

I only once in my life, in the 1970s flew a 747 that actually had a bar. That was cool. Bring that back.

Ericka said...

my additions:
1. screaming kids are knocked unconscious and transported to baggage.
2. asshats who refuse to turn their g*dd*mn cell phones off so we can leave already are ejected.
3. if bambi can bring her rat in a bag, i should be able to bring my german shepherd. i'll buy her a seat too, but no crates!
4. i'd feel much more secure if everyone on the plane was armed to the teeth - no more stealing pocket knives from passengers.
5. enough with the liquids limiting. all you're accomplishing is pissing me off.

so, yeah, i'm on board with you!

Lucy said...

Okay so my cousin, we'll call her Trixie, boards a flight and she realizes she has forgotten her meds. She is afraid of flying. Trixie asks everyone around her for a xanax because she forgot hers. They all ignore her or look at her like she's crazy, never imagining that she has damn good reason for being fearful of transport in general. (Don't we all?) They ignore the pleas and the please of her husband, who is perhaps the most relaxed man on earth, and also a physician. They are in New York; they are middle-aged; they know everyone has a xanax. Then the airline people are like "seatbelts on, shut up." Trixie starts getting very very scared and anxious and talking a blue streak and the airline people threaten to stop the plane and all the passengers begin to throw xanax into her lap. She takes a pill, and then an extra, but they kick her off the plane anyway. Husband dutifully follows. Her kids are relieved, because it is so embarrassing for them anyway (teenagers). My cousin then has the best flight of her life - first class, no crowds, completely stoned.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I sure wish you ran things! I'd like to pass laws about how people should follow the rules of the road when driving a shopping cart. I think some people should be required to go to some sort of shopping cart driving school. Some need supervised driving or a permit for 6 months before they are allowed to shop with the rest of us. Maybe I just need a shopping cart with a horn!
Great post, Suebob!


Green-Eyed Momster said...

My airline travelling days are pretty much over unless I win the Lottery! Now I just shop for a living, well sort of....


J said...

I think if you give the decent leg room you suggest, it wouldn't be such a pain in the ass when people recline.

I'd like each seat to have its own armrest, so there's no negotiating between you and the neighbor as to which of you will use it.

My mom used to keep a "if I ran things" list, but it was more of a hit list of who she wanted bumped off if she could ever arrange it. Just knowing they were on her list made her feel better about them deigning to exist. ;)

Deb Rox said...

I want you in charge. Of pretty much everything.

Jules said...

I don't have anything to have on it.=D Just it, thanks for this post. Have a great time.=D

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The Brown Mestizo

Anonymous said...

After having flown on an international flight (from Sao Paulo, Brazil to Miami, FL) where I could not recline my seat AT ALL because the bathroom was directly behind me, I can say that removing the option to recline would be a very bad idea. It was miserable, having to sit in a straight-backed aisle seat for 8 hours for an overnight flight.

Otherwise, fabulous ideas!

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