26 January 2010

I Feel Like the Luckiest Woman in the World Right Now

I know you've been wondering where I was. Well, I have exciting news! I have been on a super-secret version of "The Bachelor"* for middle-aged people! It's called "The Bachelor: Scent of Desperation" and the Bachelor is a 50-something guy who looks kind of like Captain Kangaroo. You gotta work with what you have.

I know I'm not supposed to talk about what went down until the show airs, but I just can't wait. Hell, I've got a great attorney and contracts are made to be broken!

Last night I went on my first one-on-one date. Because the show is a little more low-budget than the regular Bachelor, we got sent to a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf for a super-romantic decaf nonfat latte. It was romantic because they set 17 tea-lights on the table for extra ambiance, just like on the real show!

We had such a great conversation! I think he might be the ONE!

The Bachelor: You're amazing.
Suebob: Wait til you get to know me.
The Bachelor: You seem like the total package. I just hope you're here for all the right reasons.
Suebob: My reasons include that everyone on Match.com is insane and Craigslist scares me.
The Bachelor: I'm looking for the real deal. I want to marry my best friend.
Suebob: You want to marry Gary, that guy you golf with?
The Bachelor: I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. What do you want?
Suebob: At this point, I'd be happy to find someone who doesn't want to dress up in a squirrel suit and call me "Mommy."
The Bachelor: I'm looking for someone who can communicate.
Suebob: You might want to be careful what you ask for. And take a look at my blogs, Flickr, my twitter-stream and my Facebook page.
The Bachelor: I want a good mother for my children.
Suebob: Your children are college graduates, aren't they?
The Bachelor: I just like the simple things.
Suebob: Like snuggling on the couch while you watch football for 16 hours at a time on your 64 inch TV?
The Bachelor: You're amazing
Suebob: You already said that. Like 28 times. To every woman on the show. And to 4 production assistants.
The Bachelor: I have a lot of love to give.
Suebob: I know. You've been married four times.
The Bachelor: Do you want to hook up now or do we have to wait for the Fantasy Suite that ferret-face Chris Harrison always provides about Week 19?
Suebob: Dude, do you have to ask? I'm over 45 years old, I'm single, and I'm dying to get out of these Spanx. Let's GO!

See? I think he's into me! Those other women don't stand a chance.

*This is parody and is constitutionally protected, thanks to that freak Larry Flynt and the Supreme Court.


Mrs. Flinger said...

hhahahaha. This is by far the BEST version of the show. I seriously would take you as my own, you amazing woman, you.

God this is classic Suebob. :)

Angie McCullagh said...

No! He's mine!

Unknown said...

While I totally think your version is superior, I am addicted to the televised version. Please let us know how it all works out for your heroine, though. Does she get the rose???

Karen Bodkin said...

Hahaha see, I would watch this. The one on tv blows. Great post!

Laurie said...

I thought you weren't here to make friends?

Kristin said...

I know it's hard for you to open up...

Kizz said...

I just signed up for Match.com, are you trying to terrify me?!?!?

mayberry said...

Now THAT show, I would watch.

Kimberly Wright said...

This is funny stuff. LOL

Anonymous said...

That some funny stuff right there.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

You slay me.

I would actually watch the show if there were more people like you on it.

LittlePea said...

At least he didn't ask you what your sign was....

the mystic said...

Now that is a good show!

dknypg83 said...

lol, what a conversation u had there!! anyway, good luck to u!! :) if that's the real one, and if i were u, i'd stick to blogging... :p keep it up!! cheers...

Anonymous said...

totally. hilarious. love it.

flurrious said...

I think you're kidding yourself. The Bachelor and I had a one-on-one date (we walked the mall and then shared a Jamba Juice at the bus stop), and we really had a connection. One drink, two straws! It was the most romantic date I've ever been on.

Lisa said...

Hi, I'm here through (W)rite-Of-Passage. And I attempted a dialog too :)

You are so funny. I understand the way to a man's heart is through his funny bones.

I enjoyed it. Thank you.

J said...

HA! You're amazing. ;)

Natalie at Mommy on Fire said...

LOVE it! SO funny - my husband and I love to watch The Bachelor (don't tell) so this just cracked me up. Loved the Captain Kangaroo reference, too!
Visiting from Write of Passage - great to read your dialogue!

Suzanne said...

Suebob's back and she's better than before
Hey na, hey na
Suebob's back!

Oh, how I missed you!

Janet said...

I think your story is a fake - not one time did either of you mention about this being "a journey"!!

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Anonymous said...

Very funny and great use of dialogue! Love all the great bloggers I am meeting at Write of Passage!

Debbie said...

does that mean our love is dead?

*stamps all over Suebob's roses*

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