I worry for the future

I got this spam comment:
Good brief and this enter helped me alot in my college assignement. Say thank you you on your information.

If this person is truly in college, God help us all.

And a gratuitous pic of two cute dogs riding in a truck:


Why no archives, Suebob? Why just one post on the first page?
All will be revealed soon. Sorry for the interruption of your service.

In which I find my people

I covered an awards luncheon today. I introduced myself to the people at the table beforehand so they knew a spy was in their midst.

Here's how it went down: first there was a speech.

Then there were awards.

Then there were thanks. Lots and lots and lots of thanks.

Then a representative of a local politician gave the awardees certificates.

Then another representative of a local politician gave the awardees certificates.

Then another representative of a local politician gave the awardees certificates.

The priest at the table with me, with whom I had swapped jokes earlier, turned to the rest of us and stage-whispered "HOW LONG CAN THIS GO ON?" with this great dumbfounded look on his face. Rolled his eyes.

Then another representative of a local politician gave the awardees certificates.

The priest did a dramatic throwing-up-of-hands.

Trying to control myself, I snorted. Out loud.

Tried not to laugh. Shook with laughter.

The priest caught on to my mirth. Enjoyed my discomfort. His mouth twitched up at the corners.

I wiped my eyes.

I am totally gonna sit with him next year.

I Feel Like the Luckiest Woman in the World Right Now

I know you've been wondering where I was. Well, I have exciting news! I have been on a super-secret version of "The Bachelor"* for middle-aged people! It's called "The Bachelor: Scent of Desperation" and the Bachelor is a 50-something guy who looks kind of like Captain Kangaroo. You gotta work with what you have.

I know I'm not supposed to talk about what went down until the show airs, but I just can't wait. Hell, I've got a great attorney and contracts are made to be broken!

Last night I went on my first one-on-one date. Because the show is a little more low-budget than the regular Bachelor, we got sent to a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf for a super-romantic decaf nonfat latte. It was romantic because they set 17 tea-lights on the table for extra ambiance, just like on the real show!

We had such a great conversation! I think he might be the ONE!

The Bachelor: You're amazing.
Suebob: Wait til you get to know me.
The Bachelor: You seem like the total package. I just hope you're here for all the right reasons.
Suebob: My reasons include that everyone on Match.com is insane and Craigslist scares me.
The Bachelor: I'm looking for the real deal. I want to marry my best friend.
Suebob: You want to marry Gary, that guy you golf with?
The Bachelor: I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. What do you want?
Suebob: At this point, I'd be happy to find someone who doesn't want to dress up in a squirrel suit and call me "Mommy."
The Bachelor: I'm looking for someone who can communicate.
Suebob: You might want to be careful what you ask for. And take a look at my blogs, Flickr, my twitter-stream and my Facebook page.
The Bachelor: I want a good mother for my children.
Suebob: Your children are college graduates, aren't they?
The Bachelor: I just like the simple things.
Suebob: Like snuggling on the couch while you watch football for 16 hours at a time on your 64 inch TV?
The Bachelor: You're amazing
Suebob: You already said that. Like 28 times. To every woman on the show. And to 4 production assistants.
The Bachelor: I have a lot of love to give.
Suebob: I know. You've been married four times.
The Bachelor: Do you want to hook up now or do we have to wait for the Fantasy Suite that ferret-face Chris Harrison always provides about Week 19?
Suebob: Dude, do you have to ask? I'm over 45 years old, I'm single, and I'm dying to get out of these Spanx. Let's GO!

See? I think he's into me! Those other women don't stand a chance.





*This is parody and is constitutionally protected, thanks to that freak Larry Flynt and the Supreme Court.

Please stand by

Red Stapler is down for some much-needed maintenance. Should be back by Feb. 1

Thank you for your patience.

Stop me if I have told you this...

What is it about old people and poop? They're like the parents of toddlers - they just can't resist giving you the Poop Report.

Suzanne wrote a short post that reminded me of this.

I don't want to hear about poop. I'm famous - or maybe infamous - for unfollowing people on twitter who describe their poop, or their kids's poop. I mean, is that shit really necessary?

So when Mom started giving me a daily report of her bowel product, I took it for 2 days and then put an end to it.

"Mom," I said, "You know I love you but that is TOO MUCH INFORMATION. I do not ever want you to tell me what kind of poop you made, how long it took, or how long it has been since the last time you pooped."

She put on her pouty face.

"But it's IMPORTANT to me," she said.

"I know, Mom, it's important to all of us, trust me," I said. "If you have a problem where you need to go to the doctor, I will gladly take you to the doctor, but until then, I don't wanna hear about it."

So now she starts a sentence and then throws up her hands saying in an exaggeratedly exasperated tone, "Oh, that's right, you don't want to HEAR about it."

On the upside, she loves the phrase "too much information" and uses it all the time now. See, you're never too old to learn something new.