More on the Rear-View Life List

I was talking to my brother-in-law about my blog post on the Rear-View Life List.

He said "You've done so much. When I look at my list, there isn't anything on it except 'Have dinner with Liberace.' That's it."

I said "Hey, wait a minute, you've done ALL KINDS of interesting things. You were a roadie for Bill Graham Productions, after all."

We talked for a bit and realized that his list includes:
- Holding Wolfman Jack's head while he puked
- Flying in a helicopter into a crowd of 500,000 people
- Getting a ride from Chuck Berry in Chuck's golf cart

That's what I love about this project. In two minutes, we had three amazing life stories that came flooding back.

And then, there's this:

What's off my reverse life list

I found out that Dave had my reverse life list idea a long time ago. That does not make me feel stupid. Au contraire - it makes me feel great because it confirms that I am well-justified in having Dave as my not-so-secret blog crush.  (I plan on having my avatar marry his avatar and run away to Second Life, where they will live happily ever after, or as long as the Lindens last.) (Do people still do Second Life? It seems so 14 months ago).

ANYWAY...I am having a blast making my Reverse Life List. Every time I open my brain, something I did that was fun pops up. I recommend doing this - it's amazing what you remember, and how much cool stuff you have done without even realizing it.

So far I can cross off from my big Reverse Life List:

Fly in a hot air balloon

Ride a mule in Yosemite

Fly in a helicopter over Kauai

Walk a labyrinth

Take an award-winning photo

Build a Rose Parade Float

Pilot a helicopter (verrry briefly)
Pick macadamia nuts

Ride a recumbent tandem bike

See a horse being born

Drive a backhoe

Learn another language

Have the White House pastry chef make me dessert

Get a college degree
Volunteer on a presidential campaign

Make a good wine

Win a blue ribbon at the county fair
Drive halfway across the country

Be published on McSweeney's

Do the chicken dance

Drive sideways

Plant 20 kinds of sage in my yard
Climb a pyramid

Buy a recumbent bike
Roast my own coffee

Go to Oaxaca

Drive a Caterpillar

See Buck Owens at the Crystal Palace

Snorkel with sea turtles

Get paid to write full-time
Make beer
Play roulette in Vegas

Adopt a shelter dog

Start a food blog
Eat shave ice in Hawaii

Design a book

Get a big grin from Buddy Guy

Heal a very old wound

Hug chef Michel Richard
Go body surfing

Visit Washington DC

Study A Course in Miracles
Sail in a catamaran in high seas

Have Barack Obama answer one of my questions

Save a lot of trees

Go to a pro soccer game

Interview Anthony Bourdain

Protest George W. Bush in his presence
Get stopped by Secret Service (see above)

Be the 9th caller

Paddle a canoe with my dad

Have a peak moment

Go to chef school

Start a life blog

Manage a crew of amazing people

Go to baseball Spring Training

Marvel at the redwoods

Hike in Zion National Park with my dad

Jump off the Pismo pier
Watch fireworks from a yacht

Meet cycling legend Davis Phinney

Visit San Miguel Island
Be in the middle of a huge electrical storm

Help get a prisoner of conscience out of jail

Go to the Rose Parade
See a live condor

Ring in the new millennium
Play in the snow

Buy $250,000 worth of paper

Celebrate the Harmonic Convergence

See "Starry Night"

Read at a poetry festival

Dance on the lawn to Los Lobos

Course Marshal a pro cycling race

Read at BlogHer Community Keynote

Live by myself
See a meteor shower

Dance like a maniac to Koko Taylor

Write front page, above-the-fold story

Hang out in a yurt

See Half Dome

Protest a war

Interview a former first lady

Make mole negro
See a real autumn

Eat a grasshopper

Dance to the Neville Brothers

Go to NYC
See the Grateful Dead

Ride in a speed boat

Go canyoning
Be a bleacher bum

Celebrate Samhain among 500 pagans

Take a yoga class from Judith Lasater

March for civil rights

Go to a nude beach
Attend Catholic mass
See a full eclipse of the sun

Take the Chicago architectural boat tour

Shop at LA's Grand Central Market

Help land a multi-million dollar account

Climb a mountain

Thank a great teacher from elementary school

See Bruce Springsteen

Learn street fighting
Experience an earthquake

Speak on a BlogHer panel
March in a Mardi Gras parade

Hear a symphony that makes me cry
Receive laying on of hands

See John Lee Hooker in a tiny venue
Do improv comedy

Make a bully back down
Hug George Foreman

Get hysterical
Receive an answer to a prayer
Give an award-winning speech

Hear Brian Wilson play "Smile"

Meet Rick Bayless and thank him

Fall in love with opera

Hike the Pinnacles
Eat bananas I grew myself
Learn to weld
Visit the Carizzo Plains

See Dave Chappelle

Participate in important scientific research

Swim with the US. Men's Olympic Waterpolo team

Raise a flower crop and sell it

See the day when the Berlin Wall falls

My Reverse Life List

Maggie Mason and her amazing hair have this thing about Life Lists.

(Well, maybe just Maggie does, and she might have just brought her hair along for the ride. I do not know for a fact that she consulted her hair.)

The idea is that you make a big list of things you want to do before you die, and then you do them. Simple.

The only problem is that I am too lazy and not at all goal-oriented, so even when I make those kind of lists, I lose the paper, or I forget about it even if it is right there on the fridge, or I change my mind, or I put stuff on the list that I think sounds cool at the time, but who do I think I'm fooling with the surfing lessons? I can't WALK without spraining both ankles.

So, I am doing a reverse life list. I am doing cool things first, and then crossing them off. This saves confusion and disappointment. Rather, it is entirely satisfying. Ah, one more item off my list! Why look, everything is off my list!

Hooray! Done! Until the next cool thing comes along that I can write down and then immediately cross off.  Instant gratification.

Reverse Life List:
1. Washing my hair in a waterfall.

And get off my lawn!

I'm at the Creative Alliance 10 conference this weekend. I know it is kind of de rigeur to say, when attending a conference, especially a brand new conference, how amazing and wonderful and more special than any other conference it is and how you just can't imagine how you'd ever miss this because of the sisterhood and closeness and OK OK WILL YOU STOP BECAUSE WE WEREN'T THERE AND YOU'RE EITHER MAKING US JEALOUS OR IRRITATED AND WILL YOU PLEASE  NOW NOT GO INTO ALL THE SWAG YOU GOT BECAUSE THAT CRAP IS SERIOUSLY ANNOYING.

So I'm not going to do that. It is in a gorgeous posh home slash vacation rental slash retreat center, in the mountains above Ojai with a little creek and oak trees and white sage.

It is well-organized and there are great people there and there's a lot of talking and energy and sharing good information.

But I'm having a hard time and it's not them. It's me.

I'm off my game. I feel kind of unplugged and weird.

Part of it IS them. These are a bunch of amazing women who are smart and capable and who are making their blogs do tricks and jump around and make money, while my blog just sits here and looks at me.

So THAT's intimidating. I'm like "My blog? It has a URL and that's about it. BUT IT IS A GOOD BLOG AND TO ME IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BLOG IN THE WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE SO THERE."

The other thing is that I don't get out much anymore. I've been working at home and not actually seeing many real live people, and I think I have fallen into some weird Pajama Zone where real life feels surreal and virtual life feels real.

So when I get out there in the real surreal world, my timing is off, the way I relate is just oddly filtered...It's like I have self-induced Asperger's or something (no insult to Aspie people or any wonderful Aspie children you may have. People with Asperger's are wonderful and unique and I love what they contribute to the world. Do not hurt me.)

And then I had to do the cranky old person thing. During introductions - which went on for approximately 16 hours yesterday, while we were sitting on the floor of a yurt (I am not making this up) (well not the yurt part anyway), I chided - chided!! - people for screwing around with their cell phones and laptops while other people talked.

I was just sick of ADD culture where it is ok to check your mail while someone is pouring out their deepest dreams to you. So I was the one to say it. "You damned kids and your technology! In my day, we had to PASS NOTES if we wanted to talk while someone was speaking."

Ok, I didn't say it that way. But still. I said it. In a group, everyone has to be something. The funny one, the organizer, the helpful one. I'm the cranky one. My name is Suebob. Glad to meet you.

Animals Don't Have Feelings

I once volunteered at a county animal shelter that had a fabulously well-organized volunteer crew. It was in a wealthy area with lots of ladies who did not have day jobs, so they could spend hours a week at the shelter, looking after dogs and cats.

They did great work. In addition to the day-to-day dog walking, cage cleaning and customer helping, they would cough up thousands of dollars for crazy things, like hip replacements for young Golden Retrievers. Or for private vet care when the county vet was...oh, God knows what he was. He once cut open a male cat to spay him before he spotted the testicles. Enough said.

All of the ladies had also adopted multiple animals, many of them the hardest-luck cases. Cats with one eye and epilepsy. Dogs who needed shots 3x a day. Things like that.

So of course, because the volunteer crew was organized and functioning like an expensive Swiss watch, the county had to mess with us. They found one of the shelter directors who wanted to retire, but who wasn't quite of age, so instead they gave him a well-paid position as the "Volunteer Coordinator."

He decided to further organize us by having expensive volunteer binders printed and t-shirts (for which we had to pay) made. We all had to show up at 8 a.m. on a Saturday for our "training."

He then had to enlighten us with his theory of animal care.

"Remember, animals don't have feelings," he proclaimed. "It may seem like they do, but we are just projecting human emotions onto them."

All of the air left the room. Everyone glared at him. Every one of us was a stone-crazy animal lover.

Even if he had evidence to back up his proclamation, why would you say that to a room full of 40 women who chose to spend their spare hours covered in fur, dog spit and kitten vomit?

While we were on a break in the bathroom talking about the moron volunteer coordinator, someone stated the truth: "At least this will be the only time we ever see that jackass."

And they were right. Having done his training duty, Mr. Jackass slunk off to collect his county checks and wait for retirement. The volunteers went on running things just like always.

But I think of him often, especially when this happens: I put food in Goldie's bowl. She is hungry, but she does not like the food I have offered. So she walks into the kitchen, licks the edge of the bowl, and gazes at me mournfully.

The message is obvious. "I am hungry. However, I do not choose to eat this crap you have provided me. Please rectify this situation."

She not only HAS feelings. She tries to manipulate my feelings. Or maybe I'm just imagining this.
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Note on the header: It is a photo of a day during my unemployment when I decided not to get out of bed. It was about 10 am and Goldie was seriously distressed at my horizontalness. In the photo, she is not resting comfortably. She is menacing me by thumping her head down on my side about every minute or so. Again, she has no feelings and no way to express them.