14 April 2006

Giant Iceballs of Wisdom

I am feeling like I need more than one blog. I have such wonderful Pearls of WisdomTM to share with you, yet I don't want you, My Public, My People, to get burned out with my excessive posting.

Oh well, screw it. I can't help myself. If this compulsion replaces my Shoveling Food in My Mouth compulsion, it's a win-win for me.

FIRST UP - let me offer my most hearty congratulations to Tony Sossong, a friend who just got accepted into medical school. Go check out his website. He is cute, smart, talented - listen to his opera clips, check out his clever site design (he did it himself) - and nice, nice, nice. A good cook to boot. I hate to tell you, ladies, the lovely Sarah has already snagged him.

I wish him much success. Would I trust him operating on me? Get out the scalpel. He doesn't even have to finish med school.

Second - WHAT IS GOING ON WITH all these California iceballs??

Tell me, please - do I need to wear a helmet when I go outside? It may seem silly to you, but just wait until a giant ice ball traveling 90 mph lands on YOUR tennis court. You'll be heading down to the bike shop, too.

There's even a technical term: "Megacryometeors!" What is going on? Some say that it is global warming...but duh, these are ICE BALLS. I don't understand. But I guess no one else does, either.

THEN we get to the meat of my post. Or should I say the crap? You decide:

As much as I hate to give this book more publicity, I just can't stop myself...here goes.

The publication of "To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife" just proves that you can get still get about any feminist-bashing book published in the U.S., even if the writer is patently unqualified to write on the subject at hand.

Caitlin Flanagan, a mother of twins, is as unqualified to write a book on stay-at-home motherhood as I am ( and I have zero children, one fabulous dog).

Her premise is that, if all you uppity womens out there would just quit your jobs and attend to your husbands, you, too, could be sexy and have a lovely home and spend time with your children.

There's only one gaping crater in this theory.

You see, Mrs. Flanagan, who is so eager to dish parenting and housewifely advice to you poor, unwashed masses (in the New Yorker fergodssake), has both a full-time nanny AND a maid.

Ah, ladies, you are so foolish. You thought you needed feminism to make you happy. What you actually need is to abandon feminism...and to get some good domestic help.

Pardon me while I toss her book on the floor and stomp all over it.

I have neither a house, nor am I a wife. Why am I so pissed off when I don't have a dog in this fight?

Because (you have to read that because with the tone of a patient four-year-old explaining something) because this book is just another example of how we as women are taught that everything we attempt to do is wrong. Of why we should feel guilty and bad and stupid about our lives.

If we have children early we are neglecting our own education and development. If we have them late our eggs are getting stale and we are risking infertility or birth defects. If we don't have kids at all, there is something terribly wrong with us.

If we are working mothers, we are selfish and cruel. If we are stay-at-home moms, we are missing out or can't hack it.

And then we are supposed to be at war with each other over these differences.

I want to plug my ears and say "lay-der lay-der lay-der" (my childish noise-blocking noise) and then scream "SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUP!!!!!!" (Exclamation point, exclamation point).

For the record: if you are making your best attempt to take care of yourself, your family, your friends and the world, I don't give a lick how you do it. You're all right in my book. You can stay home, you can go to work. (Or hopefully you can write brilliantly and make a six-figure income with highly successful blogads).

You can start your family early, late, or not at all. You can even have a full-time nanny and maid. It isn't my business.

But if you go around telling everyone else how to live their lives and how great yours is and why everyone should be just like you, you don't get to play in my yard. You don't get to talk to me anymore. And you certainly do not get half of my cupcake.

You just have go away and play by yourself until you learn to be nice. Go, Caitlin, go.


Anonymous said...

I love your giant iceballs. I feel that I am rather accepting of others choices, be they right for me or not. Not everyone has the capacity for acceptance. Something different is scary (yes, like snow). Something they might like better has got to be viewed as worse. It took me a long time to realize this, but once I did, it really lightens the load. Everyone is responsible for their own lives, their own choices, their own happiness. And once the infamous "they" gets a handle on that, things will be easier for them. As for me, I'm just dandy and would love half your cupcake.

noncommon said...

okay, so i was watching oprah yesterday, which, by the way, is NOT a regular occurance in my house. and they were talking about how this select group of women were finally dealing with their weight issues by taking a good hard honest look and themselves and answering the question "who am i and why am i here?" "it's so big - 'who am i?'" the all-knowing oprah drills into the masses heads. and i'm thinking WTF? like these women don't have enough to think about already. why are you (oprah) making them feel inferior for not having reached your level of enlightenment. you (o) don't have kids - you have a personal chef. you (o) don't have a husband - you have 12 personal assistants. you (o) don't worry about making rent. or paying the utilities. you're worth billions of dollars. if all i had to do was think about myself i'd be hella enlightened too. people who think they know it all, are really pissing me off. i live in reality - i'm very happy, and you, ms. oprah got nothing to offer me.

ms blue said...

I agree 100%! People who try to make others feel inferior (and profit by it too) don't deserve yummy cupcakes. I'd bring some for your yard party.

Bamboo Lemur Boys Are Mean To Their Girls said...

I love this rant about the NYC housewife with nanny and maid. I'm well acquainted with their rude sidewalk behavior. If they ever do take their children outside themselves, these are the women who push their little ones in carriages running over whomever be in the way. For some reason certain women who birth children think they became princesses and goddesses and everyone else be damned. Christ, rats give birth too.......Opps I just realized I got off your subject. Anyways, women this ridiculous who blather about such nonsense deserve to be ignored. I'm turning my back to her.

SUEB0B said...

You all get cupcakes!

Kvetch - I just hate the conceit involved. Truly privileged people often don't understand their privilege because they swim in it like fish. It's like "water, what water?"

I may not understand everything about how easy I have it as a middle-class, college-educated citizen of the USA, but I at least make an attempt.

Cameo - I think Oprah had some supernatural kind of self-confidence before she got rich n famous. I want to know where I can get me some, but I don't think it is something someone else can give you the secret of.

Something blue - yes, it pisses me off ESPECIALLY that she is profiting off it. So many women I know are blogging brilliant, profound stuff for free!

Gandhi - yes it is the same in Westlake. It is like the Emperors New Stroller or something. One of those that looks like a Hummer. The only difference is people don't really walk there so you don't get bashed into as much. But when you do, no one EVER says excuse me. Instead they glare at you for being so stupid as to slow them down.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, I generally hum Stars and Stripes forever to block out stuff.

It's amazing to me how that shit gets published, but hell if Paris Hilton or whobewhatsit72lbs can, I imagine she can too.

I need to see this thing.

MrsFortune said...

Um, is it a vanilla cupcake with white frosting and sprinkles? Because if so, I want 1/2 and I'll do exactly what you say. And if not, I don't want 1/2 and I'll continue on feeling superior with my upstairs/downstairs maid, my nanny, my dog walker and my full time pedicurist. Mmmkay? And you should, too.

Seriously, I couldn't agree with you more about the "everything we do is wrong" aspect.

J.R. Kinnard said...

Thanks for the gift idea, Sue! I now know what book to get Spotted Elephant for her birthday.

Needless to say, you may never hear from me again.

SUEB0B said...

JR - glad to be of service. I guess I win some and I lose some LOL. It's hell being opinionated.

giddybug said...

Chiming in late, but I love your "book review" here. I have a little boy (not sure if I've mentioned that in your comments or not), and I for one refuse to enter the so-called "Mommy Wars." It's all a status game, and I'm not playing.

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