I try to be a Good and DecentTM human being. I swear I do. I screw up sometimes. I am lazy. I am a horrible procrastinator (sorry Leah). I am fat. But other than THAT, I do ok, or so I think.
It isn't enough for the people in my life.
Tonight I am in the doghouse with Mr. Stapler for not paying him enough attention. I told my neighbor Jay that I would dogsit his german shorthair pointer Oscar, which means putting the dog in the house at night and letting him out in the morning. Which means I am not at Mr Stapler's. I thought I was being a good neighbor. Apparently I am being a shitty girlfriend.
I am working this weekend because I am totally f***ing broke. Goldie's veterinary needs and my $400 brake job AND my overdue taxes have put me in Top Ramen territory, balefully regarding my double-digit bank balance.
So my mom told me I was working too hard and I was going to get sick and I should be careful.
If I spend a lot of time with Mr Stapler she says the same thing. If I spend time doing other things, she tells me that I need to not neglect Mr Stapler.
Is it any wonder I want to hole up in my little bat cave and eat my organic bananas I grew myself and drink Tanqueray and Tonics while obsessively reading my Bloglines??
Jesus. I wish everyone would quit busting my chops and stop trying to make me feel bad. As I have said before, that is something I am perfectly capable of doing on my own. I do not need any help.
Instead of working or dogsitting, I am going to take some meth or pick up a couple bikers at the local Hells Angels HQ or sing karaoke or do something truly worry-worthy. To make it all worthwhile. (First, I will have to find someone to tell me how one "takes" meth.)
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13 comments:
I think you take meth the same way you "take" pot. Just don't show up at a cop's house and fall asleep on the floor...not likely with meth, I suppose ;)
I hope my dopey attempt at humor will cheer you up a little bit. You're a good person and a good neighbor. To hell with all the crybabies laying a bunch of crap on you, making you feel undeservedly bad. I think you rock, SO THERE!
Ditto to what Izzy said.
And since you can't please everybody, you might as well just please yourself. (I'm so good at giving advice that I don't follow myself.)
ditto what Suzanne says, Please yourself. Explain it to Mr. Stapler thusly--"I'm already a little stressed. Quit hassling me, or you'll make me angry, and I will end up making your life a LIVING HELL. And I don't want that. Because I love you."
Your mom? Just say, "You're right mama. I love you." and then do whatever you gotta do anyway. She don't even KNOW!
Meth is bad. Get yourself some marijuana or some magic mushrooms. I understand that mushrooms do not taste very good at all--but--I'm pretty sure someone who drinks gin can handle it.
TS
ps. If you do take the mushrooms, write us a blog would ya? lol
By the way, did you see Stephen Colbert's interview with Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem?!?!?!?!?
It's on youtube. It will make you smile.
TS
Okay, first of all you are automatically better than the rest of us because you grew your own bananas. That is completely cool.
Secondly, tell everyone else to shut up. Do what makes YOU happy and makes YOU feel like... well, you. The people in your life should come around, especially if you tell them they are completely wearing you down.
Just my two cents...
Thanks, everyone. I just needed a little whine last night, I guess.
And Heather, about the bananas - really, they just grew by themselves without my input...but it is dang cool to have my own banana crop!!
I think you spread it on toast. Or oats.
I can ask my neighbor for you. I'm pretty sure he's going to blow up his garage soon.
Everybody's always trying to tell everyone else what to do. I am the only one qualified to tell others what to do, don't these people know that?
I did not take the meth. I went to work and had a fabulous time. I am not joking - it was a women's forum and it was almost as much fun as BlogHer.
Whew! I'm so glad you didn't take the meth. That shit will mess you up. Much better to have one of your delicious G&Ts with the fresh lime. Yummmmmy.
I'd like to hear more about the women's forum that was almost as much fun as Blogher!
Suebob,
I shared my insomnia with a fella I interviewed.
He advised likker.
I said, "Oh, yeah, that's worked real well for a lot of writers."
Your devoted Capote
I am sorry you are a meth addict and sleep with bikers although I think the two probably go together, ha,ha..
Anyways, in spite of the bad habits I still think you are cool..
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