17 November 2006

Don't kid a kidder

I had the following email exchange with Yankee Candle Company. They obviously didn't realize that I write bullshit for a living. So here is the email exchange, a la The Lazlo Letters.

To: YankeeCatalog Service
Subject: Vanilla cookie


I heard that the Vanilla Cookie scented candle had been retired. I think it may have been too easily confused with the many other vanilla flavors. I think it smells like creme brulee. You might try renaming it creme brulee and seeing how it sells, since that is such a popular dessert.

Just a suggestion.




Dear Suebob,

Thank you for being a valued Yankee Candle guest and for taking time to write to us with your suggestion. We appreciate the time and effort you took to write to us. While we would like to accept all of our valued guests' suggestions and ideas, unfortunately, we are unable to do so at this time.

Please accept our apologies for your disappointment regarding this matter.WTF kind of sentence is THAT, anyway?

Please contact us again with any future questions or concerns.


Heather D.


so then I HAD to write back

That's probably the worst form letter I have ever received. It just seems unnecessarily mean. Here is my new, improved version:

Thank you for being a valued Yankee Candle guest and for taking time to write to us with your suggestion. We appreciate all of our valued guests' suggestions and ideas. We consider many factors when developing products, which is a long and often complex process. We may take input from our customers into consideration at times. We cannot make any promises or offer comments about specific suggestions, but we appreciate the time and effort you took to write to us.

Please contact us again with any future questions or concerns.

That way you can still dismiss people without seeming dismissive. You aren't making any promises - since you "may" take input into consideration, and you may not...Isn't that nicer?


Do I think they will listen? Hm...would I listen if someone tried to correct the crap I write? Good question.


Suzanne said...

You are wonderful and hilarious. I wish I could see the expression on the face of the person who reads that email.

Anonymous said...

You know, you're right about the vanilla cookie smell. I feel as though Yankee cheated me.

super des said...

I don't like Yankee Candles. They give me a large headache.

The worst form letter I ever received was in response to a bottle of Pantene that exploded and gave me a rash on my arm. I wrote Proctor & Gamble a nice little note ending with "I guess all that animal testing you do isn't paying off." They then sent me a coupon to buy more Pantene. If they had actually read the letter instead of scanning for product names, they would have seen that a)I didn't ever buy it, as I was working in the store putting it on the shelf when it exploded, and b) I would never buy it anyway because if it gives me a nasty rash on my arm from minimal contact, I can't imagine what it would do to my head.

Anyway, I do like your form letter better. I want them to send you your own form letter regarding the suggested use of a new form letter.

SUEB0B said...

The weird part is that scented candles used to KILL me too, Des. But lately they don't.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

No! I loved the vanilla cookie.


Anonymous said...

I expect you will just receive an new copy of their form letter,ha,ha..

Marcia said...

Your letter was about 300 times better than theirs was - and you're right. I'd buy a Creme Brulee candle before I'd buy a Vanilla Cookie candle.


(I've never been here before, but I saw your comment on the Fluid Pudding, and I <3'd your comment about wine. Because I drink a lot of wine. More than I should. So I thought we could be friends.)

Perstephone said...

I love that you took the time to actually write them in the first place, and then again a second letter to express concern over their response to you! That is hilarious and I can't wait to hear how all of this Yankee Candle business works out for you.

Anonymous said...

I once bit into a monstrous bug life (Think BIG tropical bug leg here!) inside a can of Campbell's soup. Understanding that nearly all our canned food has certain levels of rat hairs and bug parts in it, I sent the bug leg to Campbell's with a funny letter. They responded with a snide letter suggesting that I had planted the bug leg and coupons for more soup. Of course, I never bought another can of Campbell's soup, not because of the leg, but because they were snide.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAH! I LOVE that you rvised their form letter for them. Love it!

Anonymous said...

writing a letter to register a customer complaint about a company's customer complaint letter is a very special kind of crazy...


Peevish said...

You love scented candles now? Geez, what next slabs of meat?

Anonymous said...

This is *great.* I can't beleive a big company like Yankee Candle would have such an unprofessional form letter.

Working in a smaller technology company we had absolute idiots working customer service. They didn't use any form letters. Yep, every time someone wrote in they got a custom, undoubtedly grammatically incorrect, improbably informatal piece of drivel.

Naturally when I came in, being the anal retentive writer I am, I wrote a whole set of letters that I insisted they use.

EmilyJane said...

OMG, that's hysterical. Yankee Candle should send you a job offer.

Anonymous said...

I vote for your letter. Funny how a few more sentences can sound so much kinder. In regards to Campbell's soup and bugs, I just found a worm in a can of Campbelll's Chunky Chicken & Corn Chowder. Callled them and they took the info on the can and said they would send a reimbursement check. I returned every Campbell's product I bought because their quality control obviously sucks. Can we talk about TRAUMATIZED! btw, customer service rep said I can throw away the worm....hmmmm wonder why

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